Thursday, March 19, 2009

ahhh, it's payday

been a little short on cash since kali decided to throw up blood last week, another trip to the vet...oh yeah i posted about that. so glad today i can get some things i needed to laundry detergent! :)

had a great night last night. heather and her family are really nice. can't wait for more times together! so happy to have found a great man and a great family, something i have longed for for a very long time.

depression is getting better. i have learned that i need to take my medicine or else. when i am depressed i have to force myself out of bed. force myself to get dressed. force myself to not call into work. basically force myself to live my life. not fun. not something that eric wants to see. depression and anxiety are ugly. something i have lived with nearly all my life. people used to think i was faking it. ex in-laws thought i was faking it. they rarely came down. they said i wouldn't be a part of the family till i made it to their place. so much stuff was said and thankfully that is all in the past. i have a new life now and i never thought in my life i would be this happy. sometimes i look at all around me and stop to think how lucky and happy i am. i smile and shiver as it is the best feeling!

as i re-read the paragraph above i realized that you never know how much of an impact you will have on a person's life. i remembered all that was said from the beginning and there was so much hurtful stuff. one time i stood up for myself and i got my ass reemed because of it from him. i could never speak my side, ever. i wish i could make certain people see that i am so much happier now. that there was so much more that went on behind the picture than i ever said. i feel like moving on is hard for them but i am moving on if they like it or not. for years i lead my life for someone else. no matter how hard i tried it wasn't good enough. now i don't have to try. now i can be me. now i can breath and realize that i am done with the critizisms, the fakeness, the need to make them happy!

when you have anxiety disorder or any mental disorder for that matter, people that have never dealt with it don't know how to act or what to believe. they never got a chance to "know" me. they went off of each other's thoughts and made their own decision. i have problems meeting people as i fear they will make their own decisions about me and think i am weird for having anxiety. i'm shy at work a lot of the times because i stay there and wait on eric. i do go and work out at girlfriends, not all of the time but i'm trying to make a regular of it. i guess i still have a lot of hurt from the past that i need to let go of. i am free from all of it now so why keep thinking people will do what they did?

not sure where all of this came from but i guess i needed to say it. it just starting pouring from my fingers. i guess i am wanting a certain someone to see that my life is so much better now. i wish they would accept it and be happy for me. i wish they would take down the old pictures and get ready for the new ones. there is a life that is starting here and we've only just begun. he is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with.

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