Wednesday, April 01, 2009

i think i know

we over eat for reason. it isn't because we just love food. a lot of people love food but are able to stop when they are fool. they are satisfied. they go on and totally forget about food. not me. food has been my crutch for so many years. when i was sad i ate. when i was lonely i ate. when i was depressed i ate. and on and on and on.....eating is my way to release what is inside of me.

so lately i had been thinking "why i am i still over eating?" aimee and i talked briefly about this at girlfriends. for me i think it is a couple of things. not being able to travel. not being able to say "sure, I will come" when someone says "hey, come and visit me." another thing is having a boyfriend. i am worried about my looks. how i dress. my hair. my makeup. i know eric doesn't care about any of that but i want to look good for him. he has seen my at my heaviest weight and when i lost the 74lbs. i make comments to myself all the time. when getting out of bed i am like "god i bet he thinks my ass is huge."

i am hard on myself. i know this and i want to stop it. i am not and never will be perfect. i will have bad hair days. i will have days when i am bloated and everything looks like a tent. not every day is paradise but it can be if i just let go of all that is in my head and live.

as far as the traveling. i know i will get out and get to places. i need to work on it. it still scares me to think of being hundreds of miles from home. it has been years and thinking of it makes me anxious. i need to get over it. i need to realize that home is where i am. i am not going to be stuck somewhere forever. i wish i could go to wichita and be there for carla as she goes through all of this with heath. be there to hold her hand and listen. i feel like people say "well you can't rely on rhonda, since she can't..... she won't be here."

i need to stop obsessing and just live. i wish it was easier said than done. man do i ever!

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