warning, lots of whining

yesterday we had a great day. we drove around and took pictures. i decided before we got into it to drive out of town some. went about 3 miles north. i wanted to go further but didn't know where there would be a turn spot in the road, i hate 4 lane highways with grass in the middle. so i turned around where i normally do. next we go west, towards coffeyville. i probably got like maybe 2 miles. turned around. didn't want to over do it and have a panic attack. eric has never seen me in a full panic attack and i really wish i could keep it that way but doubt it. so i turn around and there are no signs of 5 south junction. i freaked a little. on a scale of 1 to 10 maybe a 3. i was like "this is what it is like on the highway. nothing but road and land." while it felt good to realize this, i was also scared to.

on our way to my parents i was talking how this is going to take me forever. it is. it is going to take me months before i can get to coffeyville. months before joplin. don't know how long for girard. it is so frustrating and discouraging. i thought how did i ever let myself get into this mess? why did i let fear ruin my life and what i want to do? i know i must realize the past is in the past and i need to start focusing on today and the future. even though it will take me months to get where i need to, i will get there and this will be in the past for me.

i really don't know what is stopping me. i have searched in my mind and soul for what is the issue for not being able to travel for so many years. but i want to put all of that behind me. i want to go. i want to live my life. it is so hard knowing i have to work on this and go to work. i don't have the time or gas money to really put the effort i need in to this but i have to find away. a goal of mine is to make it to coffeyville for christmas. still a lot of time to work on it. that is a long term goal. short term, get to girard. i want to be able to take a day and just go somewhere different. not look at the same crap i see all the time, this town!

agoraphobia isn't fun. it isn't a joke or a lie. it is real. it cripples people's ability to live the life they want to live. why did this ever happen to me? i get cursed with not being able to have a successful pregnancy and this? 3 miscarriages and can't travel, suck ass big time. i hate it. don't want it any more. why can't someone take this away from me? all i ever wanted in my life was a family, go to family functions and go shopping in different towns. two things i wanted more than anything and is stopped by one word, fear. it really pisses me off that i let myself drowned in this. that i let it control me and take over my life. but in my defense, there wasn't any good treatment when i first realized i had this in 1990. no one knew about it. a dr in joplin gave me pills to help, that was in 1992. but no one has ever showed me or taught me how to get rid of the negative thinking. the thoughts of dread and dying. sometimes i really miss being back in church. the comfort of god and the lord around me. i try to find my own religion. i get annoyed by these so called "christians" that i back off and don't want to be a part of christianity but i do. i know that no one is perfect. i just can't stand the ones that proclaim to be all of that and back stab you, talk about you, curse, etc. they say they are examples...yeah right!

i am the happiest i have been in years. i have the love of my life. i have everything i have been looking for all my life. now to work on the traveling and find my spirituality. two big things that will take work but will be very rewarding in the end!