i'm so ready for storm season!

last night we had a storm come through. the first tornado watch/warning of the year! i love the sound of the sirens. i love sitting on the porch and watching the clouds (kind of hard to do at night but i like to watch the lightening too). it was really too cool for any sort of tornado. now i am no expert but it was cold out. it wasn't 78, hot..it was 65. i think that helped us from not getting anything more than we did. we did get marble size hail and strong winds. all of this puts me in the mood for storm season!

here is a tree that was uprooted in front of someone's house. it's now in the street as they were working on getting it cleared out of the yard, chopped up and sent away.

i did do one layout today. i love this freebie i found on facebook. had to do a layout as soon as i downloaded it!

i got a new printer a while back. i am printing off layouts in 8x8 and 6x6 size. i am using american craft albums. they are ring binders. love ring binders. you can add and add to them! i used them when i paper scrapped too. they hold a lot and are durable! i totally recommend them!

"i like to swing"

we finally got a chance to take liam to the park. we tried one other time on the swings but he didin't care for it. i don't remember how old he was but it has been a few months ago. but he loves it now!!! i pushed him and made him go fast, loved it! i got some good shots too!

love the hair blowing in the wind! wish we could have stayed longer but the wind picked up and got a bit chilly for us.

did two layouts yesterday.

today's agenda: go to the med dr to see if lexapro is really what i should be on, not really feeling it this time. i'm going to cook a roast. do a few layouts. laundry. clean the bathroom. and who knows what else.

have a great week!

what's happenin?

the last week in a half has been a bit hard. after i got the stomach flu it seems as if my antidepressant doesn't want to work. i started taking lexapro again, it helped me so much in the past that i decided to go back. i've had one good day the last 2 weeks, actually month, that was last wednesday. i don't know what to take but i will find something that will help. i have had a lot on my mind. when my meds aren't working like they should the thoughts and such go crazy. i obsess and then i become depressed. i want to chance so many things but some i can't and some will take time.

what i want to change? my weight. after losing 74lbs and gaining all but about 15 back, it depresses me to see this body the way it used to be. now that it will be warming up soon i hope i can get out and walk. liam loves to go for walks...bonus! i need to start eating better. and i definately need to stop drinking pepsi!!!

this house. i want out of it very badly! it is the house the ex and i bought. too many memories. i don't feel as if i can move on while i am in this house. things still bother me from time to time. when i went to a new dr i explained my past. i told them that when i would have panic attacks he would yell at me. when i was so scared he would yell and demand me to keep going. if i didn't he would get really mad and not speak to me for a while. i felt scare, alone and a failure. "your ex was verbably abusive." wow...never thought of it that way. i know that if i tried to get on the highway to travel and couldn't get past one point he would make comments. not speak. if i would start to panic and we needed to get somewhere he would yell at me. there was one time we needed to go somewhere before it closed to get something to fix a leak in the bathroom. about half way there i began to panic and wanted to pull over. i remember how he yelled at me and said we had to go if i wanted water in the bathroom. i couldn't pull over. i had to keep going no matter how i felt. we made it there. i walked inside so dizzy and scared. by the time we got home i had to go to bed. i was tired from fighting it and him yelling. so yeah...i want out of this house to feel like i am completely away from him. i don't know how to do it but i need to.

today seems to be going better. liam woke us up at 5:50am. i had been tired all week. i guess fighting the thoughts and such made me exhausted. i took a nap last night, about 2 hours, got up for a while and then went to bed. i feel refreshed. tomorrow i see the med dr and will ask about going on something else. lexapro just isn't cutting it. i get so tired of fighting this crap. the anxiety. the fears. the depression. but i tell you, it is so much easier than it used to be. the nights i feel really depressed i play with liam and feel much better. i know there is a little man and a big man that need me. i push through it and make it. i was going to post several times but feel as if i would be judged and talked about. but there is part of me that thinks i could help a lot of people if i tell my story. still thinking of how to do that.

as for now i am going to end this post and digital scrap a few layouts! it's going to be a great day!!!

simple things #10

the first hints of spring. my easter lilies always till me that spring is right around the corner. we drove up wednesday and i noticed they were up. makes me smile when i see them. a simple reminder that in a few weeks spring will be here!

won't you join us?!

valentine's day....a week later

better late than never, right?
liam's sitter had a valentine's day party! we got him a cute little valentine's box with cards inside. even lights up on top!

i made cupcakes! we took them to a few people around town. it was fun making deliveries with little valentine cards from liam! and the balloon cupcake liners...well i didn't think about that when eric picked them out. lol well actually i hadn't planned on taking cupcakes out till after i made them. i was just making them.

i got liam a shirt for valentines that said "eligible bachlor" with a bow tie at the top. totally cute!!!

grandma and grandpa tilley got him this cute little dog for valentine's day.

once we got home from dropping off the valentines and his box to his sitter, we give him his valentine cupcake. the man loves cupcakes!

the next day when we got him from the sitter, we brought home his valentine box. he wasn't at the sitters on valentine's so he had to get his box the next day. here is all the goodies inside and something he colored:

i look forward to all the valentine's day ahead of us. i can't wait to make more cupcakes, cookies and more!!!

feeling better

not sure what is going on. every once in a while i go through this want to change it all NOW thing. i wish there was a way to get out of my house. sell it. move on from the memories of my first marriage in it. not so easy. i want out of here so bad but can't at the moment. so i need to figure out a way to redo the whole place. paint. photos. decorating. lots of ideas. my neighbor texted me asking if i wanted to go in with them on a dumbster. they and another neighbor want to do some major purging. me too! i want to get the last two carpets out of this house. old things that need thrown out. get the garage cleaned out really good. we have a city wide clean up each year but not sure due to the economy if we will have one or not. we did last year but not the year before. so without taking a chance, since she asked if i wanted in, i said yes!

other things on my mind. my traveling issues. sometimes my lack of traveling really gets to me and gets me into a bad funk that is hard to get out of. it is unbelievable how a small panic attack does so much damage to your life. well it really isn't small. it paralizes you. it makes you think you are dying or going insane. you shake. you don't know where you are. you feel sick. you feel hot. cold. weak. yeah...nothing small about it. but these things keep me from living my life. i am afraid to feel them. i know they won't do anything serious to me but those feelings...well i can't seem to win over them. so i back off and stay away from anything that may cause them, hense the no traveling. i'm so tired of dealing with it. there is a part of me that says "fight it" and another that says i am still not strong enough. i have been through a lot in the last 3 to 4 years, if no longer, that you would think i could beat this. no...i can't. and i don't know how to. but i must find a way how for my son. i can't and won't be left behind when he wants to go somewhere.

ok....enough writing about it. feeling better and i don't want to think about all of it again. tonight i will take pictures of his valentine's he got from the kids at day care and post pictures of that day. i wanted to do that this week but since i got the stomach flu, that started on tuesday night, i haven't done much of anything. i was able to get one layout done today. go me!

simple things #9

his first valentine's cupcake with chocolate icing and sprinkles. ate up in no time but those chubby little fingers!

what is your simple thing?

my mind

i hate when my mind goes 100mph. i think of way too many things. i can't just think of one thing and focus on it. no it is a bunch of things. no answers for any of them. no instant relief. just a bunch of floating words that mess up my day and make it hard to focus on anything. wish there was some sort of instant relief but there isn't. work didn't help. double brownie fudge sundae didn't work either. i'm worn out from just thinking.

god, just give me peace because all that is on my mind i can not find the answers for. nor can i fix them instantly.

this is the only thing that makes me 100% better (and doesn't add any inches to my waist) wait...i take that back. yeah he did. i still haven't lost the baby weight lol.

art!

i am totally loving pinterest. there are so many ideas that i am losing myself! i want to redorate the house. paint. fun!!! we did find colors for the living room and dining room at walmart that will match great since they are only divided by built in bookshelves. a lot of the ideas are cheap. can't beat that!

i love art and quotes. so i decided to make the wall that i face while on the computer a wall of quotes and sayings. here is what i have up so far. i have a couple to add to it. i got the frames at dollar tree. i hope to eventually have to full! (the empty spots will be filled up be the few that i have yet to put in frames)

with all the snow and yucky stuff that the city drops to make driving bearable, i had to wash the car yesterday.

i'm not quite sure if liam likes it or not. they we he goes off, it could go either way. it's when the washers go over the doors. freaks out. kicks. i loved it when i was a kid. i remember my dad taking the wand and putting water right on my window to make me laugh. today i like the 3 to 4 minutes of listening to the water. a way to relax for a few mintues.

tonight eric is taking me out to dinner to jim's steakhouse. i haven't been since high school. was always way too pricey for me. but he wants to take me and i'll let him. i'm ready for some awesome steak! happy valentine's day!

simple things #8

yes....this is my picture for this week. i've seen it before and last night i decided i would give it a try. i'm thinking of having a sunday morning tradition of waffles or pancakes. what could be more simple that just adding water? and what is even better....throw it away with no clean up! love it!

yes...the simple things make me happy! :)

what simple things make you happy? show us here:

ahhhh

there is nothing more that melts my heart more than this little man (well  maybe his father).

everywhere we go people comment on how good of a baby he is. he really is! he rarely fusses. he loves to look around everywhere we go. he loves watching people. i know that once he starts talking more and more he will stop people and talk to them. he talks to babies that are around him. they respond. he looks at us and laughs and shakes his head. he especially does this when little girls are around.

we were so blessed with such a beautiful little guy. he rocks my world! :)

a book???

i want to write a book about my life. i want to write about panic attacks, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia. about the struggles, the ups, the downs, the hopes, the dreams, the good, the bad. the times where i was so unhappy that i didn't want to leave my marriage due to panic attacks and depression. about how it all started. about how i was on a boat in washington dc when the first big one hit me when i was 16 years old.. about how people judge you becuase they don't know what it is about. they haven't experienced it so they have no idea how one panic attack can snow ball into many, many more to come. how fear keeps you from living your life. how you have no control over it because not facing the fear is so much more easier than fighting it. how i have put so much on hold because of it. how much i have missed because of fear. how it is very serious and not something that can just go away with a magic pill. how i fight it but it is getting easier and easier. i still have a lot to overcome but i know there are others out there like me, maybe worse, that want to feel that they are not alone. there is nothing worse than feeling so alone. like no one knows you what you are feeling. how keeping it inside and hurting helps more than telling people and the looks and comments you get.

there are things i do that people don't understand. i don't blame them. how can they? i won't understand either. but i want to educate people on this. i want  fight with it others that go through this. i want us to fight and win...we can and we will. i want to live the life i was meant to live. i will be 40 next month. i don't want the next 40 years to be the same. i want to win. i want to come out strong. i will.

now...how do i start this road?

yay...it's over with!

all went great today with the dude getting tubes in his ears. he was fussy till he got his bottle. after that it was smooth sailing! they told us not to let him eat for a few hours. but one nurse said to go ahead if he is really hungry, it won't hurt him. we got back to the hotel (eric's parents came down to go this morning) and fed him. he soon got a full bottle of milk. they said the milk may bother his stomach but it didn't. he ate, drink and played just 2 hours after he went in...if even that. he's champ! i can't wait to see if he sleeps better now!

last night we played him hard so he would sleep through the night. didn't work but we had fun watching him play with the punching balloons. gotta love the static!

they are saying more snow is coming tomorrow and wednesday. sigh. seriously? i am so over this snow.

simple things #7

this week brough lots of snow. lots. like 15 inches lots. so it was pretty easy to find a picture for this week's simple things post. here is a picture of my bird bath and the mound of snow on it.

join us at rebecca's and share your simple photos!

we survived!

what a snow storm...uhhh blizzard. i have never seen it this bad. we got 13 inches about 5 years ago but it never burried my car. well i had an explorer but still. once we get the shoveling done today, i hope i can get out and take some pictures around the house. here are some from yesterday starting with a before/after shot.

poor kitty....she wanted in but noooo way!!!! hopefully i can get some pretty shots today. it is pretty for now. once we start shoveling it will be annoying :)

blizzard of 2011

what a way to bring in february, right? i was hoping all of this anticipated snow would go south of us like it normally does. nope....not a chance. here are some photos before the snow....note: the snow is still coming down and will all day into the night so i will post more tomorrow when it is over with.

and now the after photos.

i'm am sooooooooooooo ready for spring!!! *sigh*