Monday, February 07, 2011

a book???

i want to write a book about my life. i want to write about panic attacks, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia. about the struggles, the ups, the downs, the hopes, the dreams, the good, the bad. the times where i was so unhappy that i didn't want to leave my marriage due to panic attacks and depression. about how it all started. about how i was on a boat in washington dc when the first big one hit me when i was 16 years old.. about how people judge you becuase they don't know what it is about. they haven't experienced it so they have no idea how one panic attack can snow ball into many, many more to come. how fear keeps you from living your life. how you have no control over it because not facing the fear is so much more easier than fighting it. how i have put so much on hold because of it. how much i have missed because of fear. how it is very serious and not something that can just go away with a magic pill. how i fight it but it is getting easier and easier. i still have a lot to overcome but i know there are others out there like me, maybe worse, that want to feel that they are not alone. there is nothing worse than feeling so alone. like no one knows you what you are feeling. how keeping it inside and hurting helps more than telling people and the looks and comments you get.

there are things i do that people don't understand. i don't blame them. how can they? i won't understand either. but i want to educate people on this. i want  fight with it others that go through this. i want us to fight and win...we can and we will. i want to live the life i was meant to live. i will be 40 next month. i don't want the next 40 years to be the same. i want to win. i want to come out strong. i will. do i start this road?

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