Sunday, February 20, 2011

feeling better

not sure what is going on. every once in a while i go through this want to change it all NOW thing. i wish there was a way to get out of my house. sell it. move on from the memories of my first marriage in it. not so easy. i want out of here so bad but can't at the moment. so i need to figure out a way to redo the whole place. paint. photos. decorating. lots of ideas. my neighbor texted me asking if i wanted to go in with them on a dumbster. they and another neighbor want to do some major purging. me too! i want to get the last two carpets out of this house. old things that need thrown out. get the garage cleaned out really good. we have a city wide clean up each year but not sure due to the economy if we will have one or not. we did last year but not the year before. so without taking a chance, since she asked if i wanted in, i said yes!

other things on my mind. my traveling issues. sometimes my lack of traveling really gets to me and gets me into a bad funk that is hard to get out of. it is unbelievable how a small panic attack does so much damage to your life. well it really isn't small. it paralizes you. it makes you think you are dying or going insane. you shake. you don't know where you are. you feel sick. you feel hot. cold. weak. yeah...nothing small about it. but these things keep me from living my life. i am afraid to feel them. i know they won't do anything serious to me but those feelings...well i can't seem to win over them. so i back off and stay away from anything that may cause them, hense the no traveling. i'm so tired of dealing with it. there is a part of me that says "fight it" and another that says i am still not strong enough. i have been through a lot in the last 3 to 4 years, if no longer, that you would think i could beat this. no...i can't. and i don't know how to. but i must find a way how for my son. i can't and won't be left behind when he wants to go somewhere.

ok....enough writing about it. feeling better and i don't want to think about all of it again. tonight i will take pictures of his valentine's he got from the kids at day care and post pictures of that day. i wanted to do that this week but since i got the stomach flu, that started on tuesday night, i haven't done much of anything. i was able to get one layout done today. go me!

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