able to breathe

what a week this has been. sunday wasn't good. i had a bad panic attack at walmart. the meds i had been taking for my cold/sinuses/cough make my anxiety bad. we ran over a bolt and had to get the tire fixed. now this is where i work. i know lots of people so why did i panic? i have no idea other than the meds affecting me bad. so i stopped taking them and i'm still getting better. i knew the meds would do this but how can you get over what i had without taking them? slowly but surely i am feeling better from both. it takes a few days from the memory of that attack and for the meds to get out of my body, then i'm good to go! usually after a bad panic attack it takes me a good week to feel good again. i get the "what if's" going through my head. once the memory leaves so do the what if's. anxiety and panic suck. that is all there is to it.

this week we got our taxes back. much needed. i can sigh a HUGE sigh of relief. we now have a good cushion in the savings account. i wanted to do that last year but since we had to buy a car we couldn't. but this year we can and it feels great. my hours are getting cut at work. eric's aren't any more. they were once. this week i have 16 and the next 2 weeks, 25. i don't worry too much since we have the money but i don't want to spend the savings money unless we have to. i'm not sure when the hours will go back up but it isn't too bad of a cut for me at 25. 16, ohhhh yeah!!! it is so nice to feel this relief. we have struggled since we were off when liam had his appendix out. but now we are good and it feels great!

there is so much i wanted to write this week but i haven't felt like doing it. a lot going through my mind but it's the usual that goes through after a bad panic attack. this attack was so bad that i don't remember a few things that happened. haven't had that bad of one in years. all i know is that i am so thankful to have eric and liam. they keep me going in times like this. they are my rock. love them so!

this week in pictures

well this week it was me that had to see the doctor.

me that got the meds and plenty of tissue.

the sitter suggested this to help since it really wasn't breaking up.

if it says on the back "do not take if you take meds for depression," it isn't a good thing for me. it makes my anxiety worse. i had been feeling jittery for a few days. yesterday we were driving and ran over a bolt. so we went to walmart to get it fixed. well let's just say that we didn't have a good time. a very bad panic attack happened. worse one i have had in years. so i have stopped taking the mucinex for now till my nerves quiet down. i am feeling better though.

we took liam to see the kansas city royals. a few baseball players were at the mall along with slugger. omg he loved slugger. followed him all over. he wanted to hug him so  bad!!! he waited till the right moment, went up and hugged him and then ran back. so sweet!

one day i had a few hours before work, so i went to starbucks. had some yummy coffee and a blueberry muffin. love!

we went out to my parents. for the first time liam played the piano. he loved it!

a little pinterest love!

since monday's are now devoted to "this week in photos," i think i will move the pinterest to sunday's or any other day that i feel like sharing really cool ideas! :) click on photos to take you to their owners.

i would love to have this in the house somewhere!

oh my goodness...how adorable is this photo? it's like the stork just stopped by! :)

'nuff said here!

i just love this!

totally love the color of this door!

and this...oh  my!

i'd realy like to make this!

i need a new set of mixing bowls. these will work!

love the colors and design on this cake!

a few layouts

it's been a while since i put some layouts on here. i haven't done too many lately but hopefully that will pick up. now a days i am doing digital scrapbooking layouts and also doing project life. i wanted to play with paper again but not all of it paper. project life is perfect for that! score!!!!

it's been a while but we took liam to an old sitter to play with one of his friends while we went to an appointment. they love playing together!

sometimes i work with the kits first and see what photos would go good with it. i found this photo of my mom with liam at his first birthday party.

and a little layout about how i want to start living in 2012.

that is all that i have done since the first. i think i will start on another one right now! :)

project life, week 2

not much happened this week. we didn't do much since liam was sick. so just a single page, hope this doesn't throw me off lol.

i have so much fun doing this. you don't burnt out because you don't feel overwhelmed. becky....thanks for this. you rock!

this week in pictures

i really love doing this. and it really helps with the project life album! :) i had a few printed off for my album. can not wait to put this week in there.

poor dude. back to the dr this week as he had the beginning of pneumonia. these pictures are from his 3rd dr's visit, 3 days in a row. no more shots just oral antibiotics to treat it. today he is feeling great!

i finished another book and in two days. this book is amazing...get it. read it!

love the way these trees look with the sunset behind it.

found a quote that i loved and made this.....photo was taken a few weeks ago but found the quote this week, that counts, right? :)

nothing like yummy brownies!!!

the kid loves ranch dressing. he hates high chairs and  especially booster seats. don't put him in one...trust me!

and that's it for this week. take some pictures this week!

project life, week 1

i finally got to this today. after a crazy week of my mom being in the hospital and liam having the beginning of pneumonia, i got a chance to work on it today. not sure if i really like using my handwriting on this. i usually use the computer for journaling but for this i will use my handwriting. i feel it would be more me if i did. this isn't about perfection, it is about our life. hopefully liam will be able to read my handwriting when he is my age. lol

the double page spread.

the left side.

the right side.

now to remember to turn my phone horizontal when i am taking pictures with it. lol

if you are doing project life let me know. i'd love to share this adventure with you!

what a week

this week has been crazy. last friday my mom had a new artery put in her leg. she did wonderful. she is healing great and can go home when she is comfortable enough to. saturday we pick liam up from the saturday sitter and he is warm. "well anthony thought he felt warm. i didn't think he did." the kid had a 99.5 temp. a couple of hours later he is coughing bad and then a higher temp. so we head to the er. there it is 102. it is busy there of course. they put us in this room where they take people to talk to them about what is going on since there were no open beds. dr comes in and barely checks him. doesn't even look in his mouth. "oh it's a croupy cough." sent us with papers and off we went. monday still coughing and fevers off and on so we took him to the dr. dr examines him and says i think it is pneumonia. yeah. so he gets a chest xray and sure enough, it is the beginning of it. luckily we caught it in time and can do shots and oral meds.

so we had to take a leave of absence from work this week because we would have to take him to the dr for three days to get a shot each day. that is fine with me as long as we avoid the hospital. he hasn't had any fever since monday, it's now thursday. he's coughing is a lot better. he only got 2 shots because doctor felt oral meds would be enough.

nothing like the word pneumonia. that word always scared the crap out of me, especially now with a little one. he is doing a lot better. dr says he can go back to day care and isn't contagious. me...i have something. in between all of this i have caught a cold or something. throat isn't sore but feels huge. coughing. guess momma needs to take a little bit of care of herself, huh?

thinking of going back to work on saturday. we did take a leave till tuesday but the bills don't stop just because you do. thank god we should have our taxes at the end of the month. that will help out so much. we'll be able to breath again.

i just want to mention how great God is and how much He really does take care of me and my family. i am so thankful for all that prayed for mom and her surgery. God has listened and has blessed her with such a wonderful recovery. i can't stop thinking how great it is. my hope is that this is the last surgery on that leg. as much as we all have questioned what he is doing, i think it is. i think this time all is great and will continue.

this week in pictures

i'm glad i started doing this. i can use this when i work on my project life album. it reminds me to take pictures. i've been talking a lot more and more of stuff that i want to remember like this....

oh how i would love to be able to buy women's shoes. but i was blessed with big and wide feet so i have to buy men's shoes. before i had liam i could wear an 11 women's if it was wide. now...no. i love all the colors of shoes. sigh....mens' shoes are boring.

i finished reading hunger games. can not wait to get the 2nd book. need to make a trip to the library to see if they have it.

ahh...nothing like a book store! i love hastings. being surrounded by books and magazines and music!!! love!

i love sunsets. my camera didn't pick up the 6 jet streams that was going at once. love how the sky comes to live with jet streams.

a much needed coffee on friday waiting for mom's surgery to get over. we had no idea it would take 8 hours. they bypassed her main artery in her left leg with an artificial one. she has complete blood flow in her leg now. her recovery has been amazing! go mom!!!!

they brought the arcade back to the mall. since liam loves balls we had to play basketball! grandpa robson is showing him how to put the token in. yeah...he caught on fast and kept asking for tokens. that's my boy!

eric decided to play the motorcycle game since there as a credit. i thought he was just playing on it. nope....

another end to another great day in my life.

hug someone day. i'm sure they need it.

live

i decided that my one little word this year will be live. my life is a ton better than it used to be.....if i could just beat anxiety it would be perfect. i want to live the life that god intended for me to live. he gave me eric. he gave me liam. he gave me a new start in life. i want to live it. i want to travel. i want to go to places that i haven't been in ages or at all. i want holidays, birthday parties with my in laws. i want to get closer to his family. i want to take pictures of things other than what is around here. i want to be a normal person. do what i used to be able to do and do it.

i've been thinking lately what i need to do in order to start living. i need to know that the anxiety will always be there. i need to know that i can survive, i have so far, and no matter where i go, fear will not kill or harm me. i need to know that it is a learned behavior. i learned a lot of my issues from my past. the past is over, the future looks amazing. i have this little boy that we are blessed with. i want to take him places that he will hear about and want to go. i don't want to be left behind. i don't want to miss anything else in my life.

i know it is going to be a hard road. nothing is easy when fighting fear and anxiety. but with the help, understanding, love and patients from family and friends i can do this. i want to read more about it here. there is a blog that i read and the lady suffers from depression. she had an amazing post with so many responses. i know there are others out there. no one says much about it. it is a shameful, embarrassing disorder. "what do you have to be depressed about? you have....." "why are you anxious just going to ....." no one understands unless they have traveled that road. maybe if people read her blog and know that i suffer the same, maybe more people will understand. if you only know one person it is very hard to understand. if you know a couple, a little easier. but if you know there are thousands that suffer, you soon learn it is real and that the person can't possibly make this up. go and read her post from the 3rd if you read the above link.

i'm more determined to get over this it is just going to take a lot of time. you can't get over this overnight. you can't expect to go anywhere when you haven't went anywhere. you can't expect you mind to changet over night if it has been hearing negative for over 15 years. though the last 3 has been amazing and wonderful, there is still a lot of hurt, regret, shame that is in my head. i need to process it. let it go and go on. not easy to do. my ex was very mentally abusive. that doesn't go away over night. everyone thought he was this great guy..they never lived with him. living in the same house as i lived in with him doesn't help. i want to decorate it, repaint it. lots of things but money stands in the way. plus i hate that place so  much that i just don't want to do anything with it. i wish we could move. i need to move on. he did. he left me with this crappy house. he isn't around to have reminders. though i don't think of him while i am in that house, haven't thought of him, the house still has him in it. it still has the room where i would cry myself to sleep when i felt so lonely. the tv get all of the attention. i would lock myself into my scrapbook room and create, it was my only way to get things out. i made layouts thinking that life was wonderful. if i put it with pictures and paper then it must be true, right? still the place where a lot of hurtful words where said. and maybe that is why the highway is so hard.

when we would get into the car i was already nervous. i felt i need to make him happy and i needed to make sure that no matter what i did he was satisfied with what i did. if i did panic he would holler. if i didn't go as far as i did the last time the look of shame and disappointment made me want to run and hide. i beat myself up. i told myself how bad i was. i told myself that i was no good. i told  myself that he deserved someone better. i could go on and on with what i said but i think we all get the point. i had to make it to springfield no matter what. no one would could see us but i had to get there because once i did i would be a part of the family. yes, that was said.

i don't really want to go on and go about him, maybe i should to let things out but it's freeing just to be able to say that he is gone and that i don't have to be afraid any more. that now i have this amazing man that helps me. he understands. he sees my pain. only he sees the pain and the hurt when i have missed yet another christmas with his family. i feel this overweight body is storing more than fat. it is storing hurt, shame, regret, anger, fear, things i never let out. things i never let go of. i eat because i am scared. i eat because i am ashamed. i ate because i feel like i am a failure. even though i have all i want i still feel like all i said above because it won't go. i don't know why it is still there. i guess i don't know how to let it go because for 16 years all i heard was the negative. the bad. never praise. never any love. never any good. oh i know there were good times. but not when it comes to my anxiety. it's a different story.

about 6-7 months into our marriage, this is with my ex, my anxiety was the worst it had ever been at that point. i didn't know what was going on. i didn't know who to go to. in our small town there weren't doctors to help with anxiety disorder. so he told me that if i don't get help he will divorce me. that scared me. that tore me apart. divorce me becaues of something i can't help or control. because of something that i don't even know why it is doing it. what it is and where it is coming from. from then on the fight began to please him. to make sure he wouldn't leave. i tried and tried. nothing was good enough. he would yell. he wouln't talk...which is bad because you know something is bothering him. he would give looks and no mater what i couldn't do anything because i feared i would fail him.

i remember i had my wisdom teeth out. his mother came down to stay with me the night i had it because he worked till 2am. something happened years later, not sure what it is was. oh wait...yes i do. i wanted to go back to school. his mom had helped us with some money issues we had. and when i said i wanted to go back to school she flipped out. i had owed $800 to pitt state in tuition. she had paid that off. i wanted to go back to get my degree to make something of myself. well the one and only time i defended myself, i wrote and letter to her explaining how i felt. omg...he went off. yelled at me. said she came and helped you when you had your wisdom teeth out and you do this? i could never win at anything i did. i could defend myself and he sure as hell wouldn't defend me. when i miscarried his sister in law called and said that i needed to get over it because her daughter is going to have a baby and we need to support her. i was shit to this family. i felt it till the day he pulled out of the drive and left. how do you just get over all of this?

so there is a lot to my past that mentally affected me. so now i need to get a clearer mind. i need to let it go. and i have to a certain point. there are things that still haunt me. shame, guilt. anger. failure. and when you haven't been able to still get out there and travel those feels still feel alive and well. so....now to get it all lined out and out of my life because i am worth it. i always have been and i always will be.

if there are any typos, sorry...typed fast and let as must out as i could.

the simple things

here is the first simple things for 2012. i hope to do this every sunday!

i love this photo i took on christmas. i tried to get some close ups of various toys. his hand...love!

won't you join us this year!