Thursday, January 05, 2012


i decided that my one little word this year will be live. my life is a ton better than it used to be.....if i could just beat anxiety it would be perfect. i want to live the life that god intended for me to live. he gave me eric. he gave me liam. he gave me a new start in life. i want to live it. i want to travel. i want to go to places that i haven't been in ages or at all. i want holidays, birthday parties with my in laws. i want to get closer to his family. i want to take pictures of things other than what is around here. i want to be a normal person. do what i used to be able to do and do it.

i've been thinking lately what i need to do in order to start living. i need to know that the anxiety will always be there. i need to know that i can survive, i have so far, and no matter where i go, fear will not kill or harm me. i need to know that it is a learned behavior. i learned a lot of my issues from my past. the past is over, the future looks amazing. i have this little boy that we are blessed with. i want to take him places that he will hear about and want to go. i don't want to be left behind. i don't want to miss anything else in my life.

i know it is going to be a hard road. nothing is easy when fighting fear and anxiety. but with the help, understanding, love and patients from family and friends i can do this. i want to read more about it here. there is a blog that i read and the lady suffers from depression. she had an amazing post with so many responses. i know there are others out there. no one says much about it. it is a shameful, embarrassing disorder. "what do you have to be depressed about? you have....." "why are you anxious just going to ....." no one understands unless they have traveled that road. maybe if people read her blog and know that i suffer the same, maybe more people will understand. if you only know one person it is very hard to understand. if you know a couple, a little easier. but if you know there are thousands that suffer, you soon learn it is real and that the person can't possibly make this up. go and read her post from the 3rd if you read the above link.

i'm more determined to get over this it is just going to take a lot of time. you can't get over this overnight. you can't expect to go anywhere when you haven't went anywhere. you can't expect you mind to changet over night if it has been hearing negative for over 15 years. though the last 3 has been amazing and wonderful, there is still a lot of hurt, regret, shame that is in my head. i need to process it. let it go and go on. not easy to do. my ex was very mentally abusive. that doesn't go away over night. everyone thought he was this great guy..they never lived with him. living in the same house as i lived in with him doesn't help. i want to decorate it, repaint it. lots of things but money stands in the way. plus i hate that place so  much that i just don't want to do anything with it. i wish we could move. i need to move on. he did. he left me with this crappy house. he isn't around to have reminders. though i don't think of him while i am in that house, haven't thought of him, the house still has him in it. it still has the room where i would cry myself to sleep when i felt so lonely. the tv get all of the attention. i would lock myself into my scrapbook room and create, it was my only way to get things out. i made layouts thinking that life was wonderful. if i put it with pictures and paper then it must be true, right? still the place where a lot of hurtful words where said. and maybe that is why the highway is so hard.

when we would get into the car i was already nervous. i felt i need to make him happy and i needed to make sure that no matter what i did he was satisfied with what i did. if i did panic he would holler. if i didn't go as far as i did the last time the look of shame and disappointment made me want to run and hide. i beat myself up. i told myself how bad i was. i told myself that i was no good. i told  myself that he deserved someone better. i could go on and on with what i said but i think we all get the point. i had to make it to springfield no matter what. no one would could see us but i had to get there because once i did i would be a part of the family. yes, that was said.

i don't really want to go on and go about him, maybe i should to let things out but it's freeing just to be able to say that he is gone and that i don't have to be afraid any more. that now i have this amazing man that helps me. he understands. he sees my pain. only he sees the pain and the hurt when i have missed yet another christmas with his family. i feel this overweight body is storing more than fat. it is storing hurt, shame, regret, anger, fear, things i never let out. things i never let go of. i eat because i am scared. i eat because i am ashamed. i ate because i feel like i am a failure. even though i have all i want i still feel like all i said above because it won't go. i don't know why it is still there. i guess i don't know how to let it go because for 16 years all i heard was the negative. the bad. never praise. never any love. never any good. oh i know there were good times. but not when it comes to my anxiety. it's a different story.

about 6-7 months into our marriage, this is with my ex, my anxiety was the worst it had ever been at that point. i didn't know what was going on. i didn't know who to go to. in our small town there weren't doctors to help with anxiety disorder. so he told me that if i don't get help he will divorce me. that scared me. that tore me apart. divorce me becaues of something i can't help or control. because of something that i don't even know why it is doing it. what it is and where it is coming from. from then on the fight began to please him. to make sure he wouldn't leave. i tried and tried. nothing was good enough. he would yell. he wouln't talk...which is bad because you know something is bothering him. he would give looks and no mater what i couldn't do anything because i feared i would fail him.

i remember i had my wisdom teeth out. his mother came down to stay with me the night i had it because he worked till 2am. something happened years later, not sure what it is was. oh wait...yes i do. i wanted to go back to school. his mom had helped us with some money issues we had. and when i said i wanted to go back to school she flipped out. i had owed $800 to pitt state in tuition. she had paid that off. i wanted to go back to get my degree to make something of myself. well the one and only time i defended myself, i wrote and letter to her explaining how i felt. omg...he went off. yelled at me. said she came and helped you when you had your wisdom teeth out and you do this? i could never win at anything i did. i could defend myself and he sure as hell wouldn't defend me. when i miscarried his sister in law called and said that i needed to get over it because her daughter is going to have a baby and we need to support her. i was shit to this family. i felt it till the day he pulled out of the drive and left. how do you just get over all of this?

so there is a lot to my past that mentally affected me. so now i need to get a clearer mind. i need to let it go. and i have to a certain point. there are things that still haunt me. shame, guilt. anger. failure. and when you haven't been able to still get out there and travel those feels still feel alive and well. to get it all lined out and out of my life because i am worth it. i always have been and i always will be.

if there are any typos, sorry...typed fast and let as must out as i could.

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