trust

trust. noun. 1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. 2. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust. 3. charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone's trust.

trust is hard for me. always has been. it's mainly due to my anxiety and thinking people wouldn't understand so i didn't trust that they would have an open mind and understand. yes, that came from experience of people that didn't understand. i couldn't trust them to understand, care, be there for me. would they pull over in the car if i started to feel anxious? would they let me take a break if i felt anxious?

then i had a son. i had to trust a lot of people. the dr. was he making the best decisions for me and my son? the nurses. the hospital. mainly myself. you have this little human to take care of. to make the right choices for. when you are new at it there are a lot of questions and a lot of answers that you have to find yourself.

i put my trust in someone. i trusted they would be there. they would understand. they would listen. a major fail! when you can't get a word in edge wise to explain things, how can you trust that person? they don't want to hear what you have to say. all they care about at that point is themselves. they don't care if a child is involved. they don't care about feelings. they want to do what they want and that is it. how can you trust anyone that does that? there are a lot of things that come with trust: understanding, listening, being there, caring. i trust my son, my first child, with someone that didn't do any of the above yet it is all my fault that they are upset. but you know...when you think about it...they don't trust themselves or the ones around them. how can they understand what trust is?

so now here i am trusting 2 people, starting next week, to watch liam. one person i know through a co-worker, one from a friend that highly recommends her. i am trusting these people to watch him and make sure he is well taken care of while i am at work. i am trusting the people that recommended them. this isn't easy for me especially now after what happened. but i know i have to let go of what happened and realize that not everyone is like this person. that there are people out there that are loving and caring and understanding. you can't let one bad experience stop you from going on. there are more good than bad ones out there.

i know this person doesn't realize what she did. i know she doesn't see my side, only her's. The effects of that day has erased all trust that i had in that person and her spouse. it is sad that they won't listen or try to understand the other side. how can i trust when you say no one smoked around liam when his clothes and blanket smell of smoke? what else was done that i don't know about? and what is more sad than that, being threatened by someone that is suppose to be your family to do something that would wreck a family in more ways than one.

people don't stop and look at the whole picture before words are thrown out. yes, i haven been guilty of that myself. but don't say things about me when you are the same. my house isn't the best and from what i hear neither is their's. i've been hurt so bad by words and mistrust. i had my doubts and i should have stuck with them but i thought i was doing a good thing since this person needed a job. i put my trust in and i got screwed.

after this post i won't talk about it any more. after writing this i won't let it bother me. i am sure that they don't care themselves so why should i keep on thinking about it? it's over with. time to go on with my life and know there are others out there that i can trust and will do me right.