Monday, August 08, 2011

beauty hunt

i read today's post by The Gypsy Mama and it really hit home. she talks about how one person's comment about her stuck with her nearly all her life. really. hit. home.

i was always heavy when i was growing up. i was 12 to 13 when a neighbor kid told me i would be pretty if i was thin. it was a summer or two later that i lost 40lbs. i thought maybe i would get a boyfriend, be popular if i lost weight. nothing. nothing changed. i felt better, sure, but no one asked me out. i had a friend that was always dieting. we went to aerobics on saturdays. sometimes we would take two classes back to back. her desire to lose sunk into me. she always talked about being thin. i never had a problem with how i looked till that kid said what he did, oh and another little brat would call me a name that was really bad.

i thought being thin meant you would have it all. you would be popular. have boyfriends. no, it doesn't do that. because by the time you lose weight you have the mentality of "i am so fat that..."so you won't get any of that because you already insecure, shy and afraid. people see that along with the fat. i weighed 140 in high school but with my insecurities it made me look like 500lbs. i had more baggage than just cellulite. the weight of "if you lost would you would be pretty" and the "this will be our summer to look good" tied me down.

i married at 19 not because i loved the guy i married, because i never thought i would find anyone. i barely dated anyone in high school. if i did they were from another school. he rarely told me i looked good. i had to ask. i told him that if told me i looked good it would make me feel better. never happened. i don't even really recall him saying "you are beautiful." so needless to say that marriage ended. it was a long time before it did because now i had panic attacks, anxiety and depression thrown into the equation.

i still hear that "this will be our summer." when i talk to certain people, all we talk about is weight. i lost 74lbs a few years ago. i made up my mind to do it. to regain my life. i gained 50lbs due to having my son. i feel like a failure. but i get so tired of hearing all the "i need to exericse. i need to lose...." i know i do. i don't need a reminder by it always being a topic of conversation.

i could go on and on but i will end with this. only i can make me happy. thin or fat, this is who i am. i have tried so many years to lose weight for others. the time i did lose weight for myself is when it came off. i am going to start working on it again because i want to lose weight i gained while i was pregnant. i don't care if next summer i can't wear some cute shorts. (god i am so tired of hearing that in the back of my mind). i want to be healthy. i want to be able to play with my son and not be winded. i am going to take the gypsy mama's challenge to find my beauty. i know it is there. it not just the body, it is much more than that.

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