being a mid-life mom

yesterday i found a book at hastings called "secrets of a mid-life mom" by jane jarrell. i am hoping by reading this it will give me some peace and shed some light on being a mid-life mom.

don't get me wrong, i love liam with all my heart and soul, but for 38 years i did things on my own, well at least when i wanted to and how i wanted to. i was use to coming home and getting on the computer. i was use to sleeping in. use to getting things i wanted. now it is totally different and sometimes it is really hard. it's hard to accept that i can't get something. sometimes its a struggle to get a new pair of jeans. i fear if i spend that money on pants that liam may need something. i have gone without things so he would. that doesn't bother me but it is hard to get use to. i would give up everything for him. but it is a struggle. i think it would be for anyone that had a child at 38.

i'm more stressed now that i used to be. i stress over things way too easily now. like the kitchen counters being a mess. and now to add to my stress, the stress of getting rid of the bottle and him going to sleep on his own. i stress because i stopped doing a lot of things i loved to do. paper scrapbooking is one. i couldn't afford to get stuff that i wanted. i wanted to keep the money for him. yes, a wise mother but once again hard. i did it for so many years 10 in fact, that it is hard to give up what i loved so much for him.

i don't want to sound like its all about me or that i don't want to be there for him or some bad mother. i am just saying that it is hard being a mother at my age. it is a constant adjustment each day, especially as he gets older. yes, i love it and i welcome it with every part of me, but it is a huge adjustment. huge!

on christmas i heard of others getting ipads, kindle's etc....things i want so bad. but i can't. i got depressed because i couldn't get them and plus i wondered if i would be able to do this for liam as he gets older. we decided a few weeks ago to get a christmas club account so that way we will have the means to get what he needs and maybe something for us. we didn't get each other anything. well he got me a $7 movie and i got him a $5 shirt.

i thank god for my little man. i love him with all my heart and soul. what i really need help with adjusting to things as he gets older. money is so tight, no thanks to walmart cutting my hours, i want to be able to provide for him. we have done well so far i think. i really wish i could find a woman's group around town to share ideas with others that have kids my age. i am grateful for the friends that i have that have helped me with the tons of questions i have, but i would really like to take him somewhere and fellowship with other moms with the same age kids.

i just want balance but how? you'd think i would be wise at 39 but not too much about toddlers. :)
peace!

here is 17 and 18

totally behind on my december daily. hoping to catch up today and tomorrow. more to come today about liam's first "real" christmas. :)

most over looked illness

mental illness is the most over looked illness out there. of course this is strickly my opinion but i feel strongly about after what i have went through in my life. just today i went to urgent care to get a change of prescription because my anxiety is bad but they wouldn't see me for it. i had to go to the er. they did it before so i don't know what the difference is now. i can't see a dr till the 18th of january. i have to call one dr back after the 3rd. my depression and anxiety is getting worse daily but no one seems to care.

read HERE about the statistics of mental disorders in amercia.

suicides are on the rise. i wonder how many of these people seeked out help but was told to wait. how many life's could have been saved if there wasn't the "we can't help you" attitude. what does it take for people to realize this is a real illness that isn't made up. we aren't faking it. but yet no matter what we get the run around.

about a month ago i lost my medication. i called the community health center that i go to and explained that i had lost my meds. they said the dr was out till monday. i asked if i could get at least 3 to get me through the weekend till he got back. NO! they wouldn't let me. it took eric and me calling and complaining (let me tell you it was not a pretty site when i called) to finally get them to give me some meds. i am not a freaking druggie. though the lady today at urgent care made me feel that way. just because i need medication to make each day livable doesn't mean i am any less of a person than anyone else. heck, i am probably better than some because i want to make a difference i what i do to show myself i can do things.

if you have never suffered from anxiety, depression, panic attacks, etc...you won't understand. no one will fully understand it unless they live it. it is like saying to someone that has cancer and you never have "oh i understand." no you don't. how can you? don't ever tell me you understand because you don't. no one would understand some of the things i can't do if i told them. if people found out..my god...i would be the laughing stock of work and lord knows where else. and why??? because they don't know anything about it so they choose to make fun of and not learn what it is about.

i am very thankful that i now have in-laws that understand the best they can about this. i lived 16 years with a set that thought i faked it. thought god knows what. i don't know what all they thought but one thing that was mentioned was i would never be a part of their family till i made it to their house. oh yeah....i have agoraphobia too. so with comments like that i never once truly wanted to make it to their house. why should i? with comments like that they didn't care one ounce about me. they never onced wanted to try to learn about it. my god i am so glad those days are over. i spend so many nights crying to myself just wanting to be a part of that family and wondered why they treated me like crap. and the so called sister-in-law that competed with me and made it all worse. jesus, thank you for answering my prayers and giving me eric.

i will win this battle. slowly but surely i am. i am doing things that i couldn't do before. it is a long, slow battle but it can be won. just don't treat me like i am so freak because i am not. it is genetic. it is a learned behavior. two strikes against me. love me and respect met that is all i ask.

if you know of anyone that suffers from any mental illness, try to help them in any way you can. learn about what is going on. be there for them. comfort them. pray for them. never belittle, judge or make fun of them. and you know...that goes for just about anyone in life.

1 year!

i can not believe it has been one year since liam come into this world and changed my life. i had no idea how much a baby would bring so much joy, love and peace into your life. just a year ago at this moment i was hooked up to pitocin trying to get me to dialate. that never worked so he came via c-section at 5:43pm.

this whole year has been a blur. is it hard for you guys to remember what they looked liked when they were just tiny babies? i'd have to look at pictures to remember. seems like my mind and memory are focused on now. it doesn't seem like he is the size he is. he doesn't seem like he was ever 7lb 12.5oz and 18 inches long. i focus so much on each day that i tend to forget the little things. like his tiny toes. his tiny hand. oh to have that back for just couple of minutes to cuddle with him.

my heart is filled with so much love and joy. i can't believe that god finally answered my prayers and gave me what i needed the most in my life to complete it. liam is such a beautiful creation. everything i always wanted in a child. his big blue eyes. long eye lashes. that smile. man...i love my little boy.

i never thought i would have a child. i cherished every moment of my pregnancy and each day with him. i know he wants his dad when he is sleepy and cranky. i know it isn't me. but it is hard. i just want to be a great mom to him. i cherish every day that we have with him. he is our blessing.

i'm sure i will write more tonight but i needed to get this out.
i love you liam jackson.

1st birthday party

today we celebrated liam's first birthday. he won't officially be 1 till the 21st so we celebrated today. at first he wasn't sure if he should touch the cake or what. but once he started and knew it was ok he took off!

and then he dove in!

i might try this in march when i turn 40. looks like a better way to enjoy a cake!

and then he realized that he was a mess and apparently that didn't set too well with him.

once he got cleaned up well all ate some cake (with a plate and fork) and enjoyed chatting to each other and laughing about the above shots. he got lots of toys and clothes. he got to meet his 2 cousins for the first time. luke, he daycare buddy, came. it was a great day. here are some photos of him opening presents.

and the cake. can't forget the cake. samantha that i work with did a great job on the cake!

happy birthday, dude. momma and daddy love you very much!

some christmas flickr!

1. christmas is coming!, 2. christmas globes, 3. pink christmas lolli with finishing touches, 4. Simply having a wonderful christmastime, 5. christmas decorating, 6. my pink christmas tree, 7. HAPPY CHRISTMAS BOKEH! XXX, 8. christmas is on its way, 9. how to make christmas ornaments, 10. christmastime, 11. christmas 003, 12. It's Christmastime...

lots to do this week

nothing like down to the wire for me. i always wait till the last minute, always. it's how i work. tried to change it but i can't. nope, won't happen. so this sunday we will be celebrating the dude's 1st birthday. holy moly....1 year! i can't believe it. i need to get decorations, plates, forks, the cake. fun times. can't wait. and then there is christmas shopping. we pretty much have all the toys we are getting liam. now for some clothes. and then shopping for everyone else. finishing up on gifts i am making. tonight, if it works out right, we will drive around and look at christmas lights. think a trip to starbucks to get peppermint hot chocolate will be in store if we do that :)

i was playing with liam in his play yard. my feet were freezing. eric got me a pair of socks. i said thank you and so did liam!!!! i looked at eric and he looked at me. both with the face of "did you hear that?" i guess i better start watching what i say. lol

we've been waiting an hour to leave to go pay a couple of bills and errands, hoping liam would take a nap. hopefully this round will do the trick. rest up little man...lots to do today!

here is the dude standing up playing in the play yard. want to bet when he will be walking????
also day 12 in my daily december!

days 9, 10, 11

peace!

simple things #3

this week a few gals from apparel got together to suprise stephanie for her birthday. emily iced the cake, i decorated it. a simple cake that made a dear friend happy. sometimes it only takes the simple things to make a lasting impression...that and the chinese waiter from the restaurant singing happy birthday in chinese! :)

jump over to rebecca's and start your weekly "the simple things."

days 7 and 8

rolling right along with my december daily. they aren't all related to christmas and that is ok. it will be once it is closer to christmas.

i have been wanting to read "the power of a positive mom" for a while now. i want to be a positive role model to liam. i have read "power of a positive woman" years ago and really enjoyed it. i am hoping this will help me stay positive when i question if i am doing things right. when liam wants eric instead of me. and things that will come up from time to time. i question way too much stuff. i just need to give it all to god and he will take care of things. he always has and always will.

the joy of creating

got a few things done yesterday. got up early, on my day off might i add, and did a little work before laura came to visit. i got my layout for dianne rigdon's new kit "feed the birds." it will be new at 2peas today.

i got this done for andie smith designs. love her stuff. she has a great variety of styles for your photos. one day i will print these bigger ones off, if i can find frames for them. lol

and then my layout for my december daily. i went with a different kit this time. i was going to use the same kit throughout the album but i am seeing all these great kits that i don't think i can do that now lol

it has to come off

about 5 years ago i decided that i needed to lose weight. i was totally unhappy with my body. it started with one step and then another and then another....i started walking. once i started walking the eating and drinking right fell into place. in a years time i lost 74lbs. i felt like a new person. each weekly weigh in was exciting. and then some major changed in my life happened and i started eating wrong. i gained 20lbs because when i am stressed i eat. it leveled off and i stopped gaining. i got pregnant and gained 32lb. i lost 26 of it after i had liam. but the 6 weeks off from work did it for me. i sat around. well i was recooperating from a csection...good excuse i suppose. i started drinking pop that i gave up 5 years ago. i went back to work and was tired when i got home. having a newborn, work, house work...i never ate right or exercised.

so here i am today. god knows how much i have gained because i am not stepping on that scale for nothing. i am going to join girlfriends. it is a gym for women that is a few blocks from work. i used to go before i got pregnant. i stopped going about 3 months into my pregnancy because i was too tired to work out. you have to sign up for a year. i don't know what will happen each month if we will have the money for me to work out but we will have to make it work because this weight has to come off....no if's and's or but's.  i'm so ashamed of how i look. i hate that there are smaller clothes in my closet that i can't get into. but i can't look at the past. i can't change any of it. i can only look to the future and take each step of this weight loss slowly and concentrate on what i will look and feel like in a year.

it is a slow process. but you know, i remember it being really easy for me. i guess it was because i had a lot of time on my hands then. now...not so much. but i look forward to it. i have seen a few people at work and people i know that have lost and i envy it. i want it. i want to be healthy and look good. and it isn't for anyone but me. here we good. first exercise and then the rest will come. it will. and i'm excited!

days 4 and 5

here are days 4 and 5 of my december daily album. i am enjoying this a lot. looking foward to each day. kinda thinking about doing a 365 one like becky higgins...hmmmmm

someone enjoys chocolate donuts just a little too much!

yeah...i wash the high chair cover a lot lol

simple things #2

i love sunsets. i walked out of walmart and saw this! it looks as if they clouds have been put there by a paint brush. it made me stop and look. it instantly put a smile on my face. just what i needed!
join us for simple things created by rebecca cooper!

december daily

this year i decided i am doing this no matter what! last year i tried. i was too tired being 9 months pregnant and working to be at the computer. bed was the only thing i wanted this time last year....well and for liam to get here :) so this year i am doing it. i am going to record something each day. even if it isn't holiday related i will do it. so far i am enjoying it. here is the title page and then days 1 and 2.

the kit is "joyful christmas" by vera lim. daily numbers are "countables" by katie pertiet

if you are doing december daily please let me know. i want to see what you are doing.

stress

i stress way too much. right now i am stressed over the december daily album that i want to make. i found the kit for it but now what??? do i want to use templates or just make up some pages to stick photos and journaling on later? also stressed about this weight. bills (well that is on going). am i raising liam right. keeping the house clean. being a good wife to eric. needing/wanting to get over my anxiety issues and agoraphobia but how and where do i find the time. my hair. do i want to grow it out or keep it short. how i look. what people think of me. i want to read but do i have time. i want to play xbox more. i need to spend more time with eric. i need to spend more time with liam.

oh there is more. but i don't know how to just let it go and focus on one thing at a time. i have never been good at handling stress but i need to start doing it for my health and to be a good mother. i dwell too much on things and this isn't healthy. i want living room and dining room painted but what color...see it doesn't end. i want to paper scrapbook but i can't afford it and digital is much more reasonable....

how do i handle the stress? how do you handle the stresses of life? maybe i really need to get the pen and paper out more. i need to write down lists. write down groceries and not rely on the phone. are there any good books out there to help? ideas would be wonderful. i don't know what to do to reduce stress.

catching up

last week was one busy week. i'm finally able to catch up on thanksgiving and putting up the tree. thanksgiving....we had to work, bummer i know. my first thanksgiving having to work so i was pretty bummed all day. we went to my mom and dads after work for dinner. danny and pamela came out. liam loved the turkey, mashed potatoes and custard pie. i think the kid will eat just about anything :)

we got the tree up and decorated. i am so excited about this christmas. i have always loved christmas trees. i wish i could afford to decorate them all fancy and fun. love the one at pennys that has pinks, blues, purples...i die!!! but our little white tree makes me happy. i love how it glows at night. happiness! one tradition that i want to do is get liam a hallmark ornament each year. something he can hang on  his christmas tree when he is married to remember his childhood. eric has a bunch that his mom got him through the years. pretty darn cool!

those are just a few of the ornaments on our tree. nothing really matches. all different kinds. just how i love it!

thankful 4

i decided to do a layout for this week's digi dares. this one was right up my alley! the kit is used is "simple pleasures" at sweet shoppe designs. all fonts came from kevin and amanda's.

simple things part 1

when i saw this on rebecca cooper's site i had to do it. i think it will encourage me to take more pictures of everyday little things. in 20 years from now i want to remember the simple things that made me happy. today it is the "baby's first christmas" ornament. it is really liam's 2nd christmas, but last year he was only 4 days old. we didn't get the tree up last year either. i was just way too tired with work ( worked up till 2 days before i had him) and i didn't want eric to take on another task...so it just didn't happen. this year is different. tree is up and it looks great! and this simple little ornament makes me feel so happy that i finally have a baby, soon to be toddler, to celebrate my favorite season with. and a great husband too! :)



most thankful

this year has been the most amazing year of my life. i am so thankful for everything and for everyone that came into my life in one way or another. having liam has been incredible. i had no idea how much my life would change. i thank god for it all.
so here is what i am most thankful for this year:
1. liam jackson. the little boy that i fell in love with at 5:43pm on december 21st. 2009. the sweet little man that instantly made the world a better place.
2. eric. he is the best husband and father anyone could have and i am so glad it is me. he is there for me no matter what. means the world to me.
3. my parents. they are there for me 100%. their health is remaining strong, that i am very grateful for.
4. aimee. friends since 4th grade, we never lost track and are still best friends. i don't know how i could ever repay her for all she had done for me.
5. eric's parents and family. i am grateful for a patient and understanding family. they have welcomes me with open arms since day one. they are alwasy there if we need them.
6. my job. yes it is walmart. yes it is retail. but there are so many people without jobs these days, i am very thankful that i have a place to go to tue to sat to make a living.
7. my co-workers. i miss the softline girls really bad. i love laughing with them. talking to them about anything and everything. they are a great group of gals that i love!
8. our dogs vinny and dottie sue. poor things. they don't get the love they need any more. i try but a lot of the time they just lay there and wish we would pet them. i love you pooper dogs! i really do.
9. for all of my friends that have been there for me the last year and plus. i'm so blessed to have them in my life. carla...so glad you are in my life. you are my hero!
10 for myself. i may have a lot i still need to work on but i am so glad i stuck through the bad to get to the best part of my life. i never thought i would get here. the ride was rough but once i arrived i never looked back.

and the not so serious stuff....
1. monster energy drinks. on the nights that liam doesn't sleep well or he decides he wants to go to bed late, a monster takes care of all my worries!
2. sonic happy hour. love me a cherry coke1
3. yummy icing on cookies.
4. pumpkin anything.
5. sunsets. sunrises. the sky in all its glory.
6. underwear that still has elastic left in it.
7. my blackberry storm2
8. photoshop
7. trees
8. art. art in all kinds moves me. it inspires me. especially photography.
9. my little canon. one day it will grow up to be a canon rebel :)
10. mexican food. i could live off of it for a long time. don't think my stomach could but....
11. twitter. what would i do without twitter? i am obsessed with twitter.
12. makeup. they make this 39 year old face a little more tolerable to look at :)
13. laughter. nothing makes you feel better than a good ole laugh.
14. blogs. i read them daily.
and last but not least.....memories.

layout share time

did one last night and one this morning. simple ones. i love creating. tried to play with paper the other day and just didn't feel it. i'm looking into a new printer with cheaper ink. the ink for the hp i have now is $30 for the color!!! so maybe santa will bring me a new printer so i can print my layouts for once? lol

today and tomorrow we are rearranging the living room. going to get a play yard for the dude from stephanie. going to put the christmas tree up on thursday so we need room for that as well. eric is putting lights on the house too. we are going all out this year!

on being a mom

i saw this on a blog and i HAD to put it on mine. omg...it is amazing!

On Being a Mom:


We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."

"We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all.

I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper ; without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop her best crystal without a moment's hesitation. I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his or hers. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would not now find very romantic. I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice, and drunk driving. I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.

"You'll never regret it," I finally say.

Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

getting ready for his first birthday

i'm sure he will look a lot like this if not a lot more messy :) i had to take the cover off of the high chair to clean it. guess i should have waited till he ate this cookie lol

yeah.....i need to work on my flash! :)