happy fathers day!

i asked eric yesterday if he was excited, "just another day really." gasp! well not for me when it was mother's day. i was pysched all week! but he  is happy and excited, men just don't show it. liam and i weren't sure what to get him. he has been wanting to read "alice in wonderland." so i bought him that. why are men so hard to shop for? "oh i don't need anything. i have all i want." you ask woman what they want and they have a list a mile long. there is no "hard to shop for woman" here.

today is the first day in a while that i have felt good. lately i have been sleeping a lot due to depression. i up'd the meds i was on to 40mgs but they made my stomach cramp. up'd it again and this time the cramps aren't as bad. hopefully the meds are working now. i hate being depressed and sleeping all day. feel like i am missing out on liam time. i am so happy that i have a man that understands and helps me through all of this. god sent me my angel to protect me and help me through all the hard times. i love eric so much!

here are some black and whites of the dude. i love black and whites. they leave a lot to the imagination.

and this one tops them all. "what'chu talkin' about willis?"

peace out.

something has to give

this weight. i  need to lose it. but i am not in the mind set to do it. i want to drink my coke or pepsi. i want to eat yummy things. i am not ready like i was when i lost it before but i need to be. a lady that i used to work with brought me a tons of clothes that her daughter doesn't wear any more. thanks to my 6 month since i gave birth belly, they won't fit. i can get them on but not buttoned. but at least they were on!

when i first started my weight loss i started with walking. you start to feel good so you start to drink and eat better. then you start losing. then you want to do more than walk. sooo i need to start walking. a couple of months ago it was a goal to get out each morning and take liam for a walk. nothing. did it once. i can't seem to get in a rhythm. i used to do laundry on my days off. i used to have set things. not any more and it is throwing me off. should i be set to a schedule by now? why is it taking me so long? i think a lot of it is his schedule. i'm still getting use to it. and it will change and change so i need to be able to change with it.

i don't have any energy any more. not sure if it is the weight or just being a mom, working, etc. not sure where or how to get it. you'd think with the wedding approaching i would want to lose for that. i do but i'm not in the mind set yet. so i will start walking. i know what to do to lose it, i just need to do it and do it NOW!!!!

can't believe that little man will be 6 months in a week! man, time flies!

slacking again

i guess not really slacking since i have had a lot going on and just no time to post here. right now i have little man in front of the tv watching a cartoon. he loves it. i was thinking "is this ok or not?" i didn't want to prop him in front of the tv all the time. he loves the tv though. has watched it with eric so many times.

he is feeling a ton better. his ear infection is probably gone but we have to give him the antibiotics for 10 tens...just 3 to go. here are the pictures i took at the er while we were waiting.

just chilling on the bed till the dr comes in. that didn't last long. maybe 5 minutes.

daddy holding him to stop him from fussing. we all got fussy waiting over 2 hours.

and a close up of his id bracelet.

i tell ya, the kid gets cuter and cuter each day. i wish i could find a good, reasonably priced camera to capture him.

sad to see it go?

no, not really. i was surprised as i started packed up stuff for a lady that bought some things that i'm really not sad to see the scrapbook stuff go. i thought i would be sad.. i thought i would be depressed. but nothing. time to move on. i am enjoying digital a lot and i am still capturing life's moments but just a different way. as long as you do something to remember your life, it doesn't matter how you do it. i am actually feeling a bit of release. the scrapbook clutter is going down and giving me a peace. i hate having too much, i really do. now its all in one place. the only draw back??? using my phone as a modem takes forever to download kits lol. oh well, it's all good.

guess i better catch up here

well quite a bit has happened lately. i decided to sell all my scrapbook and rubber stamp stuff and do nothing but digital. why after 10 years do i want to get rid of it? well let's see. 1. i need the room. 2. i have so much stuff that it stresses me out and i don't want to scrap. i hate digging for stuff. i want the simplicity of it. the no clean up. 3. digital is so much easier. there are a lot of freebies out there. great deals. you can use the stuff over and over again. 4. i don't have the cash flow as i used to. i can't see spending the money to maintain it like i want to. i am sure that i will regret it for a while but it has to be done. i get so stressed by the over flow that i don't even want to do it.

so as you can see with these layouts, i won't miss paper for too long! :)

i was going to have a rummage sale but i just don't have the time to mark things, get things out, etc. i just don't have much of any time any more. but that is ok. i enjoy every second that i spend with my two men!

a little something

see, i can scrap without paper :).

will i ever be caught up?

so much to do around the house today. yesterday i slept a lot and didn't much done. i did a load of liam laundry and a load of our laundry. that was it. i guess sundays are my day to catch up on sleep but man it puts me way behind. eric is still in bed. he is congested and not feeling well. not sure how to get much done when liam is awake. he took a 10 minute nap then woke up. i did get a load of dishes done and make some french toast. a little at a time and it will get done.

we took liam for a little walk yesterday. our view from the top:

love these cheeks!

we're going to have a rummage sale on the 12th. i am going to get rid of all my scrapbook stuff. i can't afford to do it any more. i don't have time to do it any more. and we can use the space. i will scrapbook digitally which is less space, more affordable (you can use the stuff over and over again) and instant downloads with no waiting on shipping. i am sure i will regret it but at least there will be digital memories recorded, just no more paper. makes me a bit sad but what can you do?

where do i start???

first off i had a great mother's day. it was all i hoped for a more. had a great time at my parents. i want to write more about it but my mind is cluttered with more crap. i'm hurt and confused. i dont know how people will react to what i write but i am going to write it.

yesterday we had a chance of tornadoes. we watch storm chasers through the fall and get excited for this time of year. there was a post at facebook where a couple of us talked about storm chasing. one guy asked if i wanted to join them. i said i needed to find someone to watch liam. "someone to watch liam" key sentence here. jump to about 8 hours later, eric shows me a text. it says from what all i can remember "you better not take that baby out to chase damn storms. i will kick your ass." i was furious. still am today.

do people really believe that we would do that? do people think i don't know what i doing as a mother? this brought back a bunch of emotions that started with my brother and his wife's, that ordeal when liam was 2 months old. there are times i wonder if i am doing enough as a mother. am i doing it right? do i need to do this or that to make things better? i have not been around babies much at all, see previous post, but i do have enough common sense to know how to raise a child. is everything i do right? i hope so. so after reading this i started to doubt myself once again. thinking to people seriously think i am not able to do this. eric says it was a joke. how it was said was no joke to me. i would never take my child out in storms, especially tornadoes. heck, i was worried the first thunderstorm we had. i was at work, he was at the sitters. i wondered if he was scared of the thunder. i worried till the storm passed. yesterday we had errands to run. i wanted to get home before it started storming so we wouldn't have it him out in it. now, does this sound like i would want him out in storms?

i am still adjusting to life as a mother. i had 38 years of freedom. i could do what i wanted when i wanted. now my spare time is to clean, cook, etc. i read when i go to bed. i don't have a lot of spare time. i haven't scrapped much. i haven't really done anything for me. i do when i drop eric off at work and i go to hastings. that is my real me time. i am struggling with bills since work won't give hime hours. i pay the bills. worry about getting them paid. make sure everyone is fed, clean clothes, and is happy. i feel i work hard. yes, my house looks like crap at times. i am getting to the point towhere i can do more now that he is older and can do more stuff on his own.

i feel i can't catch a break from anyone. that no matter what i do it isn't good enough. sometimes i just want to say the heck with it all but i have this little man to take care of and he needs a mother. if it wasn't for him....who knows. i can't make anyone happy no matter what i do. i can't afford to do much for myself or for anyone. this doesn't come from having a child, it comes from his lack of hours at work. i blame walmart not having a child.

i wonder what else people say about me and my ability to raise a child? doubt that i want to know.

anyways, that's how i feel today. not too happy to say the least.

he rolled over!

liam rolled over the night before last in his crib. he got his right arm stuck and get really mad! i didn't give him any tummy time from birth till now, so i am a bit concerned that he won't be strong enough to lift himself up. but julie said he got him arms going and raised himself up a bit. whew! now that the carpets are up, i can put a blanket on the floor so he can get some tummy time.

i sometimes question if i know what i am doing. i haven't been around babies much at all. in fact, i think i can count on one hand the times i have been around one for more than an hour, if even an hour. not many people i know have babies or have had them recently, so i don't really know what i am doing half the time. i have never watched anyone do anything where their baby. well when brett was born i went to aimee's and visited once. don't remember much excep him sleeping lol. i think i am doing a pretty good job with all that i am learning. it must be a mother instinct. though i am wondering about cereal and how to mix it and with what. i can't find a bottle that i am comfortable with or i would put some in his bottle. but now that he is eating fruits and veggies do i need to put any in the bottle?

he has a dr appointment for in the morning. he has been coughing and a bit of a running nose. i wonder if he got what we got. so far it isn't bad but i am taking him to make sure. he is such a blessing....that wonderful little man of mine!

a year ago

on the 26th of april we took liam in to get his 4 month shots. i got to thinking while we were in the room waiting for the nurse, it was a year ago the next day that i was just 10 feet away having blood drawn to check my hcg levels to see where they were at. i had a positive pregnancy test there. now time to draw blood to check to make sure the levels were doubling. little did i know that a year later i would have my son in that tiny room. i looked into the room watching a mother and her child while getting my blood drawn hoping all would be ok after 3 other loses. i cried because i was scared of another loss. but god works miracles and i have liam jackson to prove it.

what a difference a year makes. it has been an amazing ride. i couldn't be more happier in my life as i am now. i am anxiously awaiting my first mothers day. i have waited so many years for that. i longed to be the one receiving gifts from their little one. now it is finally my time. i'm so excited. i'm so happy to share mother's day with my mom and my child. i can not wait! thank you god for making my dream come true.

this little man

he's in his crib playing right now. he's starting to do more stuff on his own. he loves to put things in his mouth. i give him something and straight to his mouth it goes. yes, he is growing way to fast. but i wouldn't have it any other way.

yesterday was a bit of a trying time. i got up around 9. liam slept till almost 10. i was in a good mood. after i fed him i wanted to start doing the house work that needed to be done. my scrap area is a mess since we pulled up the carpet. i need my creative outlet back so i can unwind and relax. we had to go get gas for the lawn mower and put some money in the bank. i didn't think i would need a bottle. all errands ran within a mile from the house and he had just ate about an hour before. i was wrong. that is what started the downfall of the day. we were 2 blocks from the bank and nothing would satisfy him. by the time we got home he was hot, red and madder than i'll get out. my mood had went to crap by then. he was fussy off and on due to teething. i didn't get one thing done that i wanted to. i was then fussy. eric, god love him, mowed the grass. folded the laudry. loaded the dish washer. and comforted me while i texted him from the bedroom how i felt overwhelmed. i decided a trip to sonic would help me feel a bit better. i needed to get out of the house.

i don't like a messy, cluttered home. people that have seen it recently would think "uhh, ok." but i don't. it stresses me way out. finally after the city wide clean up and purging a lot of crap, i am feeling a bit better about this house. there are still a lot of things i want to do with it. i haven't liked this house for a lot of years. too many unhappy memories here of how life used to be. i guess i just let things go because to me this house is a bad memory. bad memories aren't pretty. they aren't decorated with pictures. they aren't painted pretty colors that are inviting. so i let it go. and now i want to make it a home again. i hope it isn't too late. i do have a lot in mind. i want to redo all of it to get rid of some of the memories. paint over the old and bring the new. all in time. as i erase the inside, the outside will erase too and become more clearer and bolder like it should be.

the man calls. my time here is up for now.
peace.

Napping while mom and dad eat.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

i am back!

we got internet through verizon. i use my phone as a modem! heaven! totally excited to keep the blog up again and post pictures of our growing little man. he amazes us each day with all he is doing and learning. so keep checking back cause i am back!

teething bites

poor little man. in this picture he is finally asleep after a good hour of crying. i did all i could to sooth the pain. i let him sleep in my arms. there was no way i was going to wake him after that ordeal.

i'm not sure how often i will be posting since we won't be having the internet much longer. i thought we wouldn't have it today but we do, so i am doing all i can to get things caught up. i will try to send stuff from my phone but i will do at least weekly picture updates once or twice a week at hastings. we can't afford to have internet and cable till he picks up hours. hate it but what can you do?

till next time...keep smiling!

some before's and after's

i am totally addicted to photoshop actions lately. i have downloaded a bunch and then i don't remember which one does what lol. so i think from now on i will write down what i have downloaded and a description....that will help.
here's the original and two that i did in photoshop:

i love this effect, its called 70's. love it. love it. love it.
the original first....

awesome huh? love the effect i got with this flower.

in this photo you can see how it brings out the lettering in the stone.

so yeah, i am addicted to photoshop actions. i took over 100 pictures on sunday. i won't photoshop them all just my favorites. i liam news...the kid is eating way too much and way too often. i am trying to find a good nipple to start giving him cereal with every bottle. he's up to 8oz now. i used the drop in bottles but had to geet new ones because they only go up to 6oz. says 8 on one side but no it's 6. and with adding cereal i need more room soooo different bottle here we come. we got him 5oz bottles of this kind so he won't have problems going to the bigger bottle.

the city is having their city wide clean up this year! thank god! they had it last year but you had to take it to them, this yeah they will come pick it up. i am so happy about this. so much i want to throw out to the curb! hopefully we can get the carpet up in time. it starts th 21st to the 24th for our side of town. we'll see if we can accomplish that or not. would be nice! not quite sure how to get everything done that i want to with having liam and watching him. maybe he can stay a day somewhere :)

i heart making memories!

i joined their slice fan page on facebook. they asked for people's feedback on new colors for the slice. in return they will give 2 people a design card of their choice for free! guess who they picked? yep, i was one of them! 2 free things now for getting my slice :) i can't wait for it to get here. i picked basic design card 2. lots of flowers and butterflies!

and this little man wouldn't go to sleep the night before last unless we held him. so i got the recliner ready and set up shop. we slept till about 6:30am then i got eric up to hold him so i could sleep till 8. so far he is sleeping in his bed with no problems. not sure what the deal was that night.

"hey, spit happens!"

"i'm cool man!"

had a great easter

i didn't know what to dress the little man in and then i remembered (thank god i remembered something for once, a miracle!) that grandma robson bought him an outfit that would be perfect for the day. and it was!

and those little toes that some how get lint and dirt in them so easily :)

always missing the smile....

after lunch we went to pitt state to find a flower that was on the front page of the paper. we didn't look to long since we needed to go to grandma and grandpa tilley's. here are a few photos:

liam enjoyed the walk!

so sweet

he looks so peaceful when he sleeps and do gosh darn adorable!

i got a few photos of him in his bouncer. didn't know he had a piece of hair on his mouth till i looked at the pictures. lol

he's my little cutie!

painting

been itching to paint for a fews days. i have all these bottles of paint i have bought over the last couple of years to use for scrapbooking, now it want to make something much bigger. i painted the background of a 10x10 canvas light blue. now to decide what to do with it. being the perfectionist i am, i don't want to "ruin" it so i am thinking hard about what i want to do. maybe i will get a little help from flickr???

liam is going so fast! he's more alert to things around him. we ate at mazzios the other day and he had to get out of his car seat to see what was going on. he sat on my lap and took it all in. first time we heard him scream with excitement. he'd get his legs going. then his arms. he loved it. lots of noise and lights...just what he likes.

here's the man enjoying some time in the bouncer!

time to go give the man a bath and me a shower. it's payday. lots to do before we go to work. eric is still getting 20hrs a week. so aggrivated at that. no matter who he talks to no one wants to help. sometimes i really hate big companies!

photo editing

love it! makes me feel like i am a really cool artists lol. here are a few more i did in photoshop.

i have friday off, eric works 4 to 9, so i am going to drop liam off at the sitters (might as well since it is $85 if he's there or not) then drop eric off and them i am off to take some pictures. not sure where or what, i'll just drive and look to see what is around. i hear there is a chance of rain so i hope it stays away!