just one layout

i decided that digital scrapbooking is the only way i will go now. after i got what i had out and organized, i realized that i'd rather do digital. my mom gave me a few things so i got my stuff back out and organized again. still felt the same way. paper stuff is so expensive. well to me it is. when i think of what $25 will get me, i cringe. i can get 4 to 5 digital kits for that much and use them over and over. at .70 and up for one sheet of paper, it adds up fast. plus the space. so digital is the way i am going to go. i thought i could never part with paper but i can. it won't bother me at all. i just can't see paying money for paper supplies any more. i love too much of it and would want it all lol. i thought maybe i would get some new stuff and see if that changed my mind. then i thought nah...just wasting my money.

so, here is a digital layout i did yesterday:

i want to take more pictures and document more. liam is saying more words. i want to remember when and what he said. i wish i would have recorded more in his first year. i will make up for it! since it looks like he will be the only child i am going to start going crazy with the pictures, especially with the new camera!

in other news...they are calling for a lot of snow. like 12 to 16 inches. eeks! no. i am not a snow person. i like it for maybe one day then i want it gone. it is pretty for that day that i don't mind it but after that nope...i don't want it. i'd rather have sunny, warm days. maybe i should move south...way south!? we don't get that much bad weather thank god so i will stay where i am at for now. but that may change depending on how much snow we get tomorrow lol. i know i could never live in the east/northeast. ever!!!!

stay warm!

simple things #6

here is my photo for this week. i got a new camera, a canon rebel xs, so i had to take some pictures of the dude. i love this one with his eyes closed, a smile and two little teeth barely showing. love!!!

join us at rebecca's blog, click on the graphic, to share your own simple things!

unseen blessings

we never know when things are going to happen...good and bad. i'm not one for surprises and change. thursday we got quite a surprise. my ex is suppose to pay for the jeep. it is my property, he is paying for it. it is in the divorce papers that way. well thursday evening the jeep got repo'd. (thank god it isn't in my name, just by law via divorce papers) yeah...i was not a happy woman. no warning what so ever. all the sudden we are without a car. no way to get to work. no way to get anywhere if we needed to. i don't know if i have ever been so mad at someone as i am him.

thankfully we were able to get another car, a 2008 pontiac g6, on friday. there were a few things wrong with the jeep. things that i don't know if we would be able to afford. not major things but i am sure before long they would be. the g6 still has factory warranty. still plenty of years and miles left before it is up. i didn't know if i would be able to go to a car after having a jeep and an explorer. but the way gas prices are, that made it a lot easier to make a decision to get a car with good gas mileage. there is more room inside than the jeep. funny but there is, especially in the backseat. and yes, easier to get liam strapped in with that room to move back there.

yes, this was a blessing in disguise. i had thought from time to time about getting a newer vehicle but didn't want the car payment. oh and luckily this happened right when we got our tax refund. the same day we needed a car we got our refund. i think god had a little work to do in that. it helped us put a good size down payment on the car. :) the refund will help us pay a few bills off so we can comfortably afford this car. now as long as nothing major comes up.... lol

i also want to point out that i have the most amazing inlaws. thank you for helping us and coming to our need thursday night, laura! i think to myself how lucky and blessed i am and i can't help but have a huge grin on my face. i feel peace. i feel content. i feel happy. i know we are put through things to make us stronger. i know those years i wasn't happy helped me to be who i am today. i am stronger. i am more determined. and i believe it was all worth it. in the end it always is, right?

reading

he loves to read! he loves it when i read to him. every once in a while i will see him picking up one of his books and looking through the pages. i hope he continues that as he gets older. i can not wait to take him to the library soon!

this is my favorite picture. it is as if he is reading it and understanding and thinks it is funny.

i hope he is smart like his daddy! :) i think he will be.

powdered donuts and other things

yes he loves powered donuts. i probably give him way too many but he knows when to stop. oh trust me he does! he throws them when he is done. he throws anything when he is done eating. so he never over eats on donuts or blueberry muffins...he favorites! who can resist that powered sugar face? :)

so tomorrow we find out if he needs tubes in his ears. i think i need one in my left ear. it's been plugged up since sept. other than the month in a half where it wasn't. going to make an appointment with dr. baker for myself tomorrow. i'm tired of not being able to hear. (and i am sure everyone is getting tired of "what?") he is working on 4 teeth. he sticks his thumbs in his ears when his teeth are bothering him. we did take him to the dr to make sure the ear infection was gone since he was doing this. they look great. dr said it was due to teething.

the kid loves car rides. he loves looking out the windows and watching everything go by. he used to hate being in his car seat but i think he is finally realizing there is so much to see. he never wants to miss anything. he observes. he takes everything in. he has to see it all!

he really likes looking out the front window. the seats are spread out enough that he can see right through. i like to look back at him in the rear view mirror. sometimes he sees me and laughs. makes me smile.

he still has issues getting strapped in. i don't think he likes that part of the seat. but once he is in he is ready to go. and if you stop the car.....well you better get moving again is all i can say! thank god the carhops at sonic are fast!!!

yep...that's my son. he's awesome.

simple things #5

this week we got some snow. not as much as other places, thank god! i think we got 1 to 2 inches...more close to one. since i had a couple of hours before work, i dropped eric off and went to starbucks. the camera on my new phone doesn't have a flash, yeah...i know....but i like how this came out. it was pretty bare in there that day but this picture shows how the snow kept everyone away and how a good cup of coffee can make all the snow seem ok. yes...the 1 to 2 inches of snow.....hey....i don't like snow, ok?!

catching up

wow, the last couple of weeks has been crazy. i feel like today is the first time i have actually had a full day at home. there is lots to do around the house that i want to get done. i want to bring my paper stuff back in and organize it. maybe do a layout or two. who knows.

i got a card in the mail from my first dept mgr at work. jan is the most awesome, compassionate lady. she sent me a card for miscarrying. she said how she wanted to hug me but didn't want me to cry. i am truly blessed to have so many great people in my life. i made a lot of changes in the last 3 years. i went from a job that i hated with people ragging on my constantly, to a job where i met lots of great people that made a big difference in my life. i miss working in apparel with the girls. hopefully i will be able to go back there soon.

as far as trying for another one.....i may change my mind. i would really like to lose weight first. it just depends on things and if god thinks we should have another. it was god that brought is liam and he will show us if we were meant to have another.

ok...now off to get stuff done!
peace!

needing to play with paper

i decided last year to give up paper scrapbooking and just do digital. i sold about 3/4 of my stuff which was a ton of stuff! i held on to some just in case i changed my mind. and yeah...i did :) i miss it really bad. now that we are back on our feet, especially after the tax return (paying off some bills), i want to start paper scrapbooking again. i will still do digital but my true love is paper and glue! oh i have missed it so much. so tonight i will bring the banquet table back out and organize what i have left. i'm pretty excited! i miss making card as well. i can't wait to get it all set up and to start playing again!

simple things #4

i was doing good with keeping up with rebecca's simple things each week but the last few weeks....not so good. so let's pick back up shall we!

here is the dude. just having a little fun playing with his sunglasses. he hasn't worn them since summertime. they weren't exactly on his face but i love it anyways!!!

it's all about the dude!

love you lots little man!

oh my heart.

we found out on 1/13/11 that i had miscarried. this is my 4th loss. i didn't think i would have any problems with another miscarriage since i had liam and all came out ok with him. but we don't always know what is going to happen. so i decided that i don't want to get pregnant again. i may change my mind but for now i don't. i can't go through this again. 4 times was enough. the wondering. the waiting. the stress. i hate it all.

i am so thankful for liam. so thankful that i had no complications and he is a healthy toddler today. thankful that god gave me this one child that swells my heart with love and happiness. thankful that i had one time in my life to feel a baby move inside me. thankful that i got to hold my newborn son. thankful for 6 weeks off and bonding time with him. thankful that i am a mother. thankful for our miracle.

there is so much i am thankful for but i still hurt. i wanted to give him a sibling but i don't see that happening. god has other plans and that is ok. maybe this was to show me that we have what we need and what we can afford. i don't know why things happen but they do for a reason. we may not like the reason but we have to get back up and carry on. slowly and slowly time passes and things return to normal.

i am just so thankful for liam jackson!

6 weeks

yesterday i hit 6 weeks in my pregnancy. still in the very beginning of it but totally feeling all of it. i didn't document much when i was pregnant with liam. i had lost 3 other pregnancy's before and was too afraid. when i was 6 weeks pregnant with him i was scared...totally freaking out scared. i couldn't eat much. my anxiety was up each day. "will i lose this one too? i don't think i can do this."  and so many other phrases went through my head. but each day it got easier and easier. the day when we saw a heartbeat made it all better. but i was still nervous a lot. i didn't want anything to happen to him. then i switched to praying instead of the worrying, which is so much better! god works such great miracles!

so this time around i am trying to be a bit more relaxed. the day i found out i was like "i don't know how to take care of one let a lone two." needless to say the praying started a lot early in this pregnancy! i joined the september 2011 group at babycenter.com. i'm meeting women that are over thirty, some are even my age! i'm sharing stories. enjoying it! because no matter what the out come of this pregnancy, it will be my last. i know that is kind of negative to say but at 6 weeks..... i don't think i need to explain, right? but i feel good about this. i feel as if god is adding to our family because we all want liam to have a sibling. i wanted to try to get pregnant again once i lost weight but i never put my mind to it. then one day i am like "oh no....i have that tired feeling again." and it was positive. turned to 2 lines just like the last time...no waiting 3 mintues!

i have energy. i had nausea for a few days, none now. i'm going to enjoy it all! i missed being pregnant. about a month or so after i had liam, i missed him! i missed him rolling around. punching. kicking. yep, going to enjoy each moment and movement this time. hopefully i can find the time to do weekly layouts about what happened that week. i want to do like a project 52. what i really want is to do becky higgins project daily but i'm afraid i will get burnt out with the same stuff for a whole year. someone is doing it but using their own still and page protectors. thinking of that too. all i know is i want and need to document more. i didn't with liam like i wanted to. man, you think "i will be off for 6 weeks. i have so much time." heck no! then you are back to work and then there is definately no time! this time i will make time!

whoa!

so i had a lot i wanted to write on new year's eve. i had been thinking through out the day how much my life had changed this year. (thinking this on the 31st!). how being a mom has changed my life. how i have learned so much. but the news i got on new year's day threw me for a loop! we are having baby #2! due sept 3, 11. we are totally excited. now it took me a day or so for it to sink in. i hadn't lose the weight i wanted after having liam. but god has other plans. i wanted a sibling for him at one point, why not do it now! i'm totally excited and hoping for a little sister!

last year was amazing! i know each year will be better and better. as our family grows, i can't wait to see the changes that are ahead. though there were tough times, i learned a lot and i am still learning. i am not a patient person, slowly but surely i am getting better. the night i found out i was pregnant i was like "i don't know how to take care of one let alone two!" i can do it. i know i can. i didn't think i would ever have liam, so to have him and to be pregnant again is wonderful. i know it is still early in the pregnancy but positivity is all it takes. miracles work themselves out. all i ever wanted was a family and i am tremendously blessed to have eric and liam and now the little one that is constantly growing way down in there :)

in september or august i can't wait for this to happen again:

holding my newborn child!
thank you god!

being a mid-life mom

yesterday i found a book at hastings called "secrets of a mid-life mom" by jane jarrell. i am hoping by reading this it will give me some peace and shed some light on being a mid-life mom.

don't get me wrong, i love liam with all my heart and soul, but for 38 years i did things on my own, well at least when i wanted to and how i wanted to. i was use to coming home and getting on the computer. i was use to sleeping in. use to getting things i wanted. now it is totally different and sometimes it is really hard. it's hard to accept that i can't get something. sometimes its a struggle to get a new pair of jeans. i fear if i spend that money on pants that liam may need something. i have gone without things so he would. that doesn't bother me but it is hard to get use to. i would give up everything for him. but it is a struggle. i think it would be for anyone that had a child at 38.

i'm more stressed now that i used to be. i stress over things way too easily now. like the kitchen counters being a mess. and now to add to my stress, the stress of getting rid of the bottle and him going to sleep on his own. i stress because i stopped doing a lot of things i loved to do. paper scrapbooking is one. i couldn't afford to get stuff that i wanted. i wanted to keep the money for him. yes, a wise mother but once again hard. i did it for so many years 10 in fact, that it is hard to give up what i loved so much for him.

i don't want to sound like its all about me or that i don't want to be there for him or some bad mother. i am just saying that it is hard being a mother at my age. it is a constant adjustment each day, especially as he gets older. yes, i love it and i welcome it with every part of me, but it is a huge adjustment. huge!

on christmas i heard of others getting ipads, kindle's etc....things i want so bad. but i can't. i got depressed because i couldn't get them and plus i wondered if i would be able to do this for liam as he gets older. we decided a few weeks ago to get a christmas club account so that way we will have the means to get what he needs and maybe something for us. we didn't get each other anything. well he got me a $7 movie and i got him a $5 shirt.

i thank god for my little man. i love him with all my heart and soul. what i really need help with adjusting to things as he gets older. money is so tight, no thanks to walmart cutting my hours, i want to be able to provide for him. we have done well so far i think. i really wish i could find a woman's group around town to share ideas with others that have kids my age. i am grateful for the friends that i have that have helped me with the tons of questions i have, but i would really like to take him somewhere and fellowship with other moms with the same age kids.

i just want balance but how? you'd think i would be wise at 39 but not too much about toddlers. :)
peace!

here is 17 and 18

totally behind on my december daily. hoping to catch up today and tomorrow. more to come today about liam's first "real" christmas. :)

most over looked illness

mental illness is the most over looked illness out there. of course this is strickly my opinion but i feel strongly about after what i have went through in my life. just today i went to urgent care to get a change of prescription because my anxiety is bad but they wouldn't see me for it. i had to go to the er. they did it before so i don't know what the difference is now. i can't see a dr till the 18th of january. i have to call one dr back after the 3rd. my depression and anxiety is getting worse daily but no one seems to care.

read HERE about the statistics of mental disorders in amercia.

suicides are on the rise. i wonder how many of these people seeked out help but was told to wait. how many life's could have been saved if there wasn't the "we can't help you" attitude. what does it take for people to realize this is a real illness that isn't made up. we aren't faking it. but yet no matter what we get the run around.

about a month ago i lost my medication. i called the community health center that i go to and explained that i had lost my meds. they said the dr was out till monday. i asked if i could get at least 3 to get me through the weekend till he got back. NO! they wouldn't let me. it took eric and me calling and complaining (let me tell you it was not a pretty site when i called) to finally get them to give me some meds. i am not a freaking druggie. though the lady today at urgent care made me feel that way. just because i need medication to make each day livable doesn't mean i am any less of a person than anyone else. heck, i am probably better than some because i want to make a difference i what i do to show myself i can do things.

if you have never suffered from anxiety, depression, panic attacks, etc...you won't understand. no one will fully understand it unless they live it. it is like saying to someone that has cancer and you never have "oh i understand." no you don't. how can you? don't ever tell me you understand because you don't. no one would understand some of the things i can't do if i told them. if people found out..my god...i would be the laughing stock of work and lord knows where else. and why??? because they don't know anything about it so they choose to make fun of and not learn what it is about.

i am very thankful that i now have in-laws that understand the best they can about this. i lived 16 years with a set that thought i faked it. thought god knows what. i don't know what all they thought but one thing that was mentioned was i would never be a part of their family till i made it to their house. oh yeah....i have agoraphobia too. so with comments like that i never once truly wanted to make it to their house. why should i? with comments like that they didn't care one ounce about me. they never onced wanted to try to learn about it. my god i am so glad those days are over. i spend so many nights crying to myself just wanting to be a part of that family and wondered why they treated me like crap. and the so called sister-in-law that competed with me and made it all worse. jesus, thank you for answering my prayers and giving me eric.

i will win this battle. slowly but surely i am. i am doing things that i couldn't do before. it is a long, slow battle but it can be won. just don't treat me like i am so freak because i am not. it is genetic. it is a learned behavior. two strikes against me. love me and respect met that is all i ask.

if you know of anyone that suffers from any mental illness, try to help them in any way you can. learn about what is going on. be there for them. comfort them. pray for them. never belittle, judge or make fun of them. and you know...that goes for just about anyone in life.

1 year!

i can not believe it has been one year since liam come into this world and changed my life. i had no idea how much a baby would bring so much joy, love and peace into your life. just a year ago at this moment i was hooked up to pitocin trying to get me to dialate. that never worked so he came via c-section at 5:43pm.

this whole year has been a blur. is it hard for you guys to remember what they looked liked when they were just tiny babies? i'd have to look at pictures to remember. seems like my mind and memory are focused on now. it doesn't seem like he is the size he is. he doesn't seem like he was ever 7lb 12.5oz and 18 inches long. i focus so much on each day that i tend to forget the little things. like his tiny toes. his tiny hand. oh to have that back for just couple of minutes to cuddle with him.

my heart is filled with so much love and joy. i can't believe that god finally answered my prayers and gave me what i needed the most in my life to complete it. liam is such a beautiful creation. everything i always wanted in a child. his big blue eyes. long eye lashes. that smile. man...i love my little boy.

i never thought i would have a child. i cherished every moment of my pregnancy and each day with him. i know he wants his dad when he is sleepy and cranky. i know it isn't me. but it is hard. i just want to be a great mom to him. i cherish every day that we have with him. he is our blessing.

i'm sure i will write more tonight but i needed to get this out.
i love you liam jackson.

1st birthday party

today we celebrated liam's first birthday. he won't officially be 1 till the 21st so we celebrated today. at first he wasn't sure if he should touch the cake or what. but once he started and knew it was ok he took off!

and then he dove in!

i might try this in march when i turn 40. looks like a better way to enjoy a cake!

and then he realized that he was a mess and apparently that didn't set too well with him.

once he got cleaned up well all ate some cake (with a plate and fork) and enjoyed chatting to each other and laughing about the above shots. he got lots of toys and clothes. he got to meet his 2 cousins for the first time. luke, he daycare buddy, came. it was a great day. here are some photos of him opening presents.

and the cake. can't forget the cake. samantha that i work with did a great job on the cake!

happy birthday, dude. momma and daddy love you very much!

some christmas flickr!

1. christmas is coming!, 2. christmas globes, 3. pink christmas lolli with finishing touches, 4. Simply having a wonderful christmastime, 5. christmas decorating, 6. my pink christmas tree, 7. HAPPY CHRISTMAS BOKEH! XXX, 8. christmas is on its way, 9. how to make christmas ornaments, 10. christmastime, 11. christmas 003, 12. It's Christmastime...

lots to do this week

nothing like down to the wire for me. i always wait till the last minute, always. it's how i work. tried to change it but i can't. nope, won't happen. so this sunday we will be celebrating the dude's 1st birthday. holy moly....1 year! i can't believe it. i need to get decorations, plates, forks, the cake. fun times. can't wait. and then there is christmas shopping. we pretty much have all the toys we are getting liam. now for some clothes. and then shopping for everyone else. finishing up on gifts i am making. tonight, if it works out right, we will drive around and look at christmas lights. think a trip to starbucks to get peppermint hot chocolate will be in store if we do that :)

i was playing with liam in his play yard. my feet were freezing. eric got me a pair of socks. i said thank you and so did liam!!!! i looked at eric and he looked at me. both with the face of "did you hear that?" i guess i better start watching what i say. lol

we've been waiting an hour to leave to go pay a couple of bills and errands, hoping liam would take a nap. hopefully this round will do the trick. rest up little man...lots to do today!

here is the dude standing up playing in the play yard. want to bet when he will be walking????
also day 12 in my daily december!

days 9, 10, 11

peace!

simple things #3

this week a few gals from apparel got together to suprise stephanie for her birthday. emily iced the cake, i decorated it. a simple cake that made a dear friend happy. sometimes it only takes the simple things to make a lasting impression...that and the chinese waiter from the restaurant singing happy birthday in chinese! :)

jump over to rebecca's and start your weekly "the simple things."

days 7 and 8

rolling right along with my december daily. they aren't all related to christmas and that is ok. it will be once it is closer to christmas.

i have been wanting to read "the power of a positive mom" for a while now. i want to be a positive role model to liam. i have read "power of a positive woman" years ago and really enjoyed it. i am hoping this will help me stay positive when i question if i am doing things right. when liam wants eric instead of me. and things that will come up from time to time. i question way too much stuff. i just need to give it all to god and he will take care of things. he always has and always will.

the joy of creating

got a few things done yesterday. got up early, on my day off might i add, and did a little work before laura came to visit. i got my layout for dianne rigdon's new kit "feed the birds." it will be new at 2peas today.

i got this done for andie smith designs. love her stuff. she has a great variety of styles for your photos. one day i will print these bigger ones off, if i can find frames for them. lol

and then my layout for my december daily. i went with a different kit this time. i was going to use the same kit throughout the album but i am seeing all these great kits that i don't think i can do that now lol

it has to come off

about 5 years ago i decided that i needed to lose weight. i was totally unhappy with my body. it started with one step and then another and then another....i started walking. once i started walking the eating and drinking right fell into place. in a years time i lost 74lbs. i felt like a new person. each weekly weigh in was exciting. and then some major changed in my life happened and i started eating wrong. i gained 20lbs because when i am stressed i eat. it leveled off and i stopped gaining. i got pregnant and gained 32lb. i lost 26 of it after i had liam. but the 6 weeks off from work did it for me. i sat around. well i was recooperating from a csection...good excuse i suppose. i started drinking pop that i gave up 5 years ago. i went back to work and was tired when i got home. having a newborn, work, house work...i never ate right or exercised.

so here i am today. god knows how much i have gained because i am not stepping on that scale for nothing. i am going to join girlfriends. it is a gym for women that is a few blocks from work. i used to go before i got pregnant. i stopped going about 3 months into my pregnancy because i was too tired to work out. you have to sign up for a year. i don't know what will happen each month if we will have the money for me to work out but we will have to make it work because this weight has to come off....no if's and's or but's.  i'm so ashamed of how i look. i hate that there are smaller clothes in my closet that i can't get into. but i can't look at the past. i can't change any of it. i can only look to the future and take each step of this weight loss slowly and concentrate on what i will look and feel like in a year.

it is a slow process. but you know, i remember it being really easy for me. i guess it was because i had a lot of time on my hands then. now...not so much. but i look forward to it. i have seen a few people at work and people i know that have lost and i envy it. i want it. i want to be healthy and look good. and it isn't for anyone but me. here we good. first exercise and then the rest will come. it will. and i'm excited!

days 4 and 5

here are days 4 and 5 of my december daily album. i am enjoying this a lot. looking foward to each day. kinda thinking about doing a 365 one like becky higgins...hmmmmm

someone enjoys chocolate donuts just a little too much!

yeah...i wash the high chair cover a lot lol

simple things #2

i love sunsets. i walked out of walmart and saw this! it looks as if they clouds have been put there by a paint brush. it made me stop and look. it instantly put a smile on my face. just what i needed!
join us for simple things created by rebecca cooper!

december daily

this year i decided i am doing this no matter what! last year i tried. i was too tired being 9 months pregnant and working to be at the computer. bed was the only thing i wanted this time last year....well and for liam to get here :) so this year i am doing it. i am going to record something each day. even if it isn't holiday related i will do it. so far i am enjoying it. here is the title page and then days 1 and 2.

the kit is "joyful christmas" by vera lim. daily numbers are "countables" by katie pertiet

if you are doing december daily please let me know. i want to see what you are doing.