depressed

don't know why. sometimes it comes even though i am on meds for it. i guess there is a lot on my mind. after i had the day off and eric worked, i went out and about with liam while he worked, i realized that i still have boundries and it really scares me. irratates me. upsets me. after what happened with steve and tammy i question myself about how good of a mother i can be, especially with this anxiety issue. i feel like i have failed so many people and i don't want to fail eric and liam...especially liam. i don't want him going to school and saying "my mom is a freak...." i want to travel with eric and take pictures. it is something we love to do together. taking pictures around here gets a little boring...same sites! i can't help but wonder if he will get tired of it at some point.

then there is work. he isn't getting the hours like he should. his boss said he would add a job code so he could get hours. has yet to happen. so i worry about food, diapers, bills. etc..... i hate asking for help. i feel like i just want to be by myself. i don't want to be around anyone right now. i just want to sleep. i don't want to face anything.

everything in my life that i prayed for is finally here...all but the anxiety issues being gone. i want to catch a break. i want to end it to get on with my life. i want to be able to get up and go anywhere without the "what if...." going on in my head. i want to be normal. i want to say "yeah we went to.....and did this...." i know it will happend one day. i didn't think i would have a baby but he is finally here after years of wanting him. so maybe will get over this and do what i used to enjoy doing. i hope. sometimes i don't know how much more i can take of this anxiety.