yesterday

yesterday was amazing. the first sunday in so long that there was peace. we went to two parks and got some ice cream. the weather was perfect. i felt at peace and blessed. there was no anxiety. no fears. just me and my family having fun.

the thing with anxiety is you never know when it will start up. i've been taking 40mgs of celexa. i decided that wast too much and backed off to 20mgs. no dr's orders. did it myself. my choice. something has been up for months and i really think it is the meds....well the winter time didn't help but the amount of anxiety and panic attacks is actually the worse ever.

i want to get off of pepsi. i want to start eating right. i want to look into foods that help anxiety and depression. essential oils also. i'm slowly educating myself on what is good to help. i know pumpkin seeds are one things that help. as i'm getting older i am realizing that my body isn't tolerating the caffeine like it once did. i had coffee this morning and jitters came up. so yeah...i probably need to stop coffee too.

little changes. little things that will make life easier and free  less anxiety. it will be a slow process but i have to start sometime. liam is getting old enough to where he wants to go do things and i want to take him. god...no one knows how much this tears at my heart what i go through. i'm always thinking how i want to do this and that with him and then the thoughts of panic come. there is always the "what if i panic" that comes to mind. hopefully the therapist will help with that next week.

sigh. deep breath. it will work out.

a change????

the last few months has been challenging. a lot more anxiety and panic attacks then i have had in years. i don't know if it is hormones, meds or me. i don't know what to do or how to do it. but....i feel this change that is happening. we started going back to church in september. i remember going to the alter for an alter call for people that wanted to hear from God and what He wants us to do to make a difference. i asked God to let me know what it is i am suppose to do. i think he is slowly telling me. God and I's relationship is not easy. i want Him to automatically heal me, He wants me to listen to myself and learn. i'm not patient, He wants me to be patient. i don't feel strong, He thinks i am strong and can handle what comes to me....He wants me to realize He is my strength. i don't trust anyone these days. He wants me to put my trust in Him and know all will be ok.

in the several months since that alter call i really haven't done much. i was thinking last night about how things have changed. i don't like to scrapbook any more. i vegetate and watch  more tv. i'm on the ipad a lot. i'm avoiding a lot more. in the terms of my sister-in-law, i am a hermit. i go to work. i come home and fix dinner, sometimes it is through a drive thru. and then i do nothing. i have no desire. i have no will. nothing. the anxiety and panic has become worse. i read my devotionals, well read them. work has stressed me more than it normally has to where i don't want to work any more. it's like i went into hibernation like a bear.

i changed my meds back in oct/nov. i think it was a mistake. since then things have went down hill. i'm kinda thinking that the meds are the real reason for all that has been happening. i see a new therapist in a week, i'm going to ask her if i should switch meds. i think i should. i blame the meds for what is going on. why? well, i can't even take a z-pac because of it causing heart problems. there is a huge list of counter actions. i read other ones and celexa has more than a lot of them. i wish i could get off the meds all together. i started them when i was first married to my ex. been on them for 20 years....really don't know how to feel anything any more. no idea what truly makes me happy or sad. don't know if my anger is from meds or myself. meds help one thing but bring out others. sucks.

so what do i want to do now that is is warm and time to come out of hibernation?

well, first it will be the new therapist. i need some coping skills for when i'm anxious so i won't go into a completely panic attack.
second. meditation. i really need to do this each night. when i mediate i feel amazing. i want to find a good guided meditation, those really help!
third. get out of the house. i want to go out and explore. being agoraphobic is hard to do that but i will get out and extend my boundries one mile at a time.
forth. do yoga. i've been wanting to try this. i know it will help a lot.
fifth. spend more time studying God's word.
sixth. eat better. that means no pepsi. ugh. but it must be done. eric made a good observation the other night. when we first got together i didn't drink pop and my anxiety was barely there. i drink a lot more pop now. with anxiety disorder i shouldn't drink anything with caffeine but i do. so that needs to stop.

there is a lot more to work on but i won't get overwhelmed. i think God is wanting me to talk more about my agoraphobia and anxiety issues. when i did a google search i found a few blogs on it but rarely written on. i want to educate people and help the ones out there that deal with it and feel alone. i know i feel so alone when i'm out and panic happens. i feel like an idiot, a failure. like i am the lowest person on earth. so so ashamed. i want to put up videos when i am out and talk about what is going on. i want people to understand that mental illness is real and not a freak show. yep, i will be blogging more and writing my thoughts more. i hope that i can reach at least one person to educate or help. i hope this helps me gain strength and wisdom to help myself.

so....here we go!

keep going

keep going. my gosh that is hard to do at times. as ironic as it seems, it seems like my anxiety has increased when i started back to church and getting closer to God again. i believe it is satan and his evil that is trying to stop me from reading the word and going forth on my new walk with the Lord. i stopped going to church though. i lost faith in "church". i had a bad experience when i was in high school and once again. so no more church for me unless God shows me that i need it and where it will be. people that i thought understood my anxiety, apparently don't. but i am not giving up my faith and believing that God will heal me and help me through this.

i always looked for the right book, person, quote, etc to help me get over this. you can read all the books on anxiety but they all pretty much say the same. i believe that God is working a healing in me but I believe he is making the anxiety to come so i will work through it. see, anxiety will go away if you fight it and show it that you will win and be ok once it is gone. i've known this but have been too chicken to do this. i was too scared to let it happen and go with it. i know i have to do this. i know i have to let it come and experience the anxiety. i need to show it that i will not be scared of it any more. i've missed out on so much because of my fear of a panic attack. lately i've been taking more klonopin than i have been. one panic here or there results in "oh what if it happens again. well, let's take this and it won't." ha. i've found out lately that i can get bad anxiety even if i do take a klonopin. so we fight this. we bring this to head and punch the crap out of it with positive words. with strength and courage. with power. with determination.

i'm so tired of being stuck in this rut. i'm tired of looking at situations that may cause me to be anxious. geeee, rhonda...get over it. it isn't the situation it is YOU!!!! those thoughts come and bam....anxiety. panic. i friggin hate anxiety and i have ran and hid for too long. now that i have a fight force behind me and in me, i am ready to tackle this head on and fight like a woman! :) a strong, powerful woman of God. a God that is always with me and by me. a God that stands next to me and tells me "you can do this." I know I need God in  my life in so many ways, but i need him more to fight the anxiety and beat it.

this 10 to 20 seconds of intense fear has stopped me from doing so much in my life. i've missed out family things, friend things. LIFE. here i am 42 and where have i really been in the last 20  years? the past is behind me. i am stronger now than i have ever been. i want to be a normal person. normal as in: take my son to dinner, just us; go shopping in other towns for christmas; go to family reunions; go to my inlaws; pick up liam if eric is working later than me and get ice cream. the things i can't do because the fear is greater than the want. and that fear has been greater for too long.

my life is half over. i don't want to waste any more time. there are times at work i get nervous and panic arises because i can't find eric. my god...i am so sick of that. i'm sick of the fear controlling me. i have to bring the fear, let it come, let it pass and not react to it other than, "ha ha i kicked your butt." that is out it has to be. that is how it will be. i know i will need my meds because anxiety is apart of me and always will be, but i need to react to it like i should and not run from it. darn it...it's time to live.

what a difference a week makes

feeling so much better. oh my gosh i can't begin to tell you how much better i feel. i think i am suppose to be in the groups of ssri's because the other group i was in just doesn't work like this group does. i'm on celexa and hoping this good feeling stays! i started it last tuesday so i hasn't been a week yet till tomorrow but i feel so much better and will get even better as time goes on.

last sunday was a very down day. i decided we needed to go to the park to get out and help me mentally. oh how this boy loves the park!

loving how beautiful this fall is. the trees around here are gorgeous. one of the best falls in years.

maybe today we'll drive around and get some more pictures of trees. oh i do love fall!!!!

that was too much for me!

yesterday i had some really bad side effects from the cymbalta. i was so tired. my head felt like i was in some sort of fog. i had only taken it for two days. there is no way i am going to deal with that till, or even if, my body gets used to it. i need to function. heck, i'd rather have anxiety and panic then what i felt. so now what?

i decided i'm going to stick to the pristiq for right now. i see my dr on the 8th and till then i will write down when i am anxious and go from there. i am also going to check into the book "the mood cure." a gal on facebook told me about it. i shouldn't have caffeine but i do. i drink coffee and pop. here is something i found on caffeine:

"Your favorite pick me up has two effects upon the body which can result in an increase in your anxiety levels. One side effect of your caffeine habit is to block adenosine, a protein found throughout the body. Adenosine regulates the firing of neurons in different brain regions. It is what causes you to get drowsy. Caffeine interferes with this process and causes the firing of neurons to increase. This triggers the pituitary gland to produce adrenaline because the gland thinks an emergency is occurring. This increase in adrenaline can cause and increase your anxiety symptoms."

and this on sugar:
"Sugar can cause a dramatic increase in anxiety. Like caffeine, sugar can cause lactic acid to build up in the bloodstream. In addition, the ingestion of sugar causes a release of insulin which decreases blood glucose. This causes mood swings and agitation. If you suffer from anxiety you should limit your sugar intake and try to eat complex carbohydrates like whole grains. Also, try eating smaller meals throughout the day."

so now i have some thinking to do and some switching to make. i need to limit my sugar intake as well. i knew sugar could be a factor but i didn't realize how much. i was thinking back to when i was pregnant. i didn't have coffee or pop. i ate better and i never once had a panic attack. i know i had some anxiety but nothing that i remember as being very bad. i do eat a lot of sugar. i've been wanting to eat better foods but yes....i am addicted to sweets and sugar. so i need to think of what to eat and go from there. it's so easy to grab 2 donuts for break. grab a pop instead of water. yes...it all has to change.

i wish i could be off of meds but i don't know if or when that will happen. but now that i am seeing that i am causing a lot of it by what i eat i will focus on that and work on that. it's time i got a handle on it and not rely on meds to help. for too long i have thought meds would magically make me all better. ha. i'm still in the same spot i was 10  years ago, well a lot of things are a lot better but anxiety wise the same. so i need to step up to the plate and do this myself. i am the magic that will happen. and with God on my side i can do this. it's time to take control!

changes

today isn't going like it thought it would. i was suppose to help with the outreach at church but it won't happen. i started cymbalta on thursday and today the side effects are taking affect. very tired. light headed some. feels like my head is heavy and stomach issues. i feel like i have failed once again with this anxiety issue crap. i am so tired of letting people down.

pristiq was just not working any more. my anxiety was getting worse. i thought it was maybe the hormones, i think i am experiencing perimenopause, hasn't been confirmed by the dr but i feel it is. but i think it is more than hormones. at times i wonder if i do need meds to control my anxiety and now i know that i definately do. i am so tired of living with this but i know that my healing will come soon. with going back to church, doing daily devotions and reading more christian books, i am feeling better in so many areas. just wish that this would just go away with a snap of my finger but it won't. must hang tough. must keep pushing through even when the strength is no longer there.

sometimes it's so hard to get up in the morning when you know anxiety is lurking. that is when you know it is time for a med change. i've been on so many. after a few years they don't work like they once did and it's time to change. i'm at that place. you spend months wondering if it is hormones or the meds not working. then you know it is time. then you have to take more time for the new meds to kick in. sometimes these meds take me a week to start to feel something, sometimes longer. but usually within 2 to 3 weeks i am feeling a lot better. and in a month i am brand new. i want to hold on to those feelings. i love the feelings when new drugs take affect. the happiness you feel. you feel strong. there is no fighting. you can laugh. you can sing. it is such a wonderful feeling. then over time you have to increase and eventually change the meds altogether. i guess it works for others like this, i'm not sure, but it does for me.

writing in my prayer journal has helped. there are changes that are happening. sometimes those changes have to be in form of medical and not just spiritual. no, i am not the kind of person that thinks god can cure all and we don't need meds. we have dr's for a reason. i'm so thankful things are getting better as these changes are happening. i was out driving the other day and went further than i had in a long time. usually i will stop and go back the next day. i was cruising like i had no fears in the world. it felt great. that was god. he is with me. i probably could have kept going but i don' like pushing things. i probably should push myself to show myself that i can do it. i need to and i think i will.

changes aren't fun but we need them. i hope and pray that this med will work. it's like finding the right drug to help control your blood sugar. you have to deal with the ups and downs of how you body will react but once it is right it is amazing! i will never give up. i know there is something great about to happen. i can never give up. i won't let anxiety beat me. it has in some areas but it won't any more. slowly i am making progress. you can't undo many years of anxiety, fear and panic in one night. you must retrain the brain and with gods help i am.

God is so good!

what i have experienced over the last few weeks is a miracle, seriously! i had some issues at work with a couple of people. i was stressed so bad. i worried every day. it got so bad that i had a very bad panic attack before work one day. i about left. i parked by the doors in case i needed to leave. in my prayer journal i asked God to heal my thoughts and stresses about work. one sunday that we didn't make it to church i listened to joel osteen. he talked about how God will give you double for your troubles. i'm not sure what day it happened, it might have been right before we had three days off, but the thoughts stopped. the worries about work, stopped. my fears about it, stopped. thinking of the ones that did what they did, stopped. for the first time in weeks i had no thoughts about work and the people that had been bothering me. the threes days off we had was thought free. if you know me and my obsessive thinking, this is a miracle. i still have no thoughts of work or what happened. i haven't stressed about anything and i refuse to. i know God healed me there. it is so great to have a clear mind. in fact, a lot of my obsessive thinking has lessened.

this is one of my favorite scriptures: Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

i now know how important it is to think of the good things. i now see what the negative thinking had done to me. all the sleepless nights of fears and unless worry and you know.....none of it ever happened. i want my mind to be free of the negative chatter and by the grace of God it has. i am still thanking Him for freeing my mind. seriously, this is a miracle. never before have i ever been able to stop my thinking. i was a total obsessive thinker. i worried about what people thought, i was such a people pleaser....i worried if i upset them and if i did i felt a tremendous guilt. i wanted everyone to like me. gosh....i was totally setting myself up for hurt. what happened at work has shown me a lot. God told me to go up to one person and say i was sorry. i didn't feel as if any of it was my fault. but i did and i believe that is when the release was. so, if you are fighting or disagreeing with someone and it is bothering you, then you need to stay something to that person to free yourself. i never thought i would be saying things like this. God has really worked in my life like never before. no wonder no other books and people has never worked for me. i am a child of God and He wants to take care of me. 

i am kinda grateful that all of that happened. it taught me a lot and showed me what i need to do. slowly i am growing and learning. i know God will heal the anxiety that lurks in me. there were so many years of mental damage done to me with my ex. but it is slowly going away. i forgave him, did tell him because he is no where around, but i did and felt free from that.

i hope to write more, i really do. i don't get on the lap top much, usually the ipad. need to remember to fire up this things and write. hopefully i can help someone else. we are never alone, especially if God is at our side!

blessed

a couple of months ago we started going to church. i knew i needed to go. i knew that God was tugging at me to go and get back with Him. i've searched for so many answers to the fears and anxieties i have. i bought books, read blogs. thought i could do this on my own. i was saved Christmas Eve 1981 in the back of my parents donut shop. i was baptized a few years after. i missed being in church. i missed how i felt. there is a peace you have when you are in with God. a peace that i wanted and needed back.

the last few weeks i have seen a change in things. it's a slow process. sometimes things don't happen over night, rarely do they. one time i was asking God why don't you heal me? "you need to learn to deal with this." huh???? but now i see what He met. i know He is always with me, i need to remember that. i need to remember to call upon Him and He will guide me. point is, I need HIM! there is a lot that He is going to teach me that I need in order for me to be healed. i have a lot of baggage from over the years. so many times i tried to find the right answers but nothing came.....i'm still where i am. well, i am in a better place than i used to be 6 years go.

i know this till take time but each day i am feeling stronger and braver. i know that i can do this and that God is with me and will heal me. there is a lot that is going on in me and i know that something great is coming. i know it. i feel. it will happen.

i'm tired of living in fears of the highway. fears of being by myself. fears of what if people know that i deal with this, how can that like me? anxiety is nothing but lies. if you don't feel the real fear, like when a tiger is in front of you, then it is a lie. a lie that stops you from doing what you love because of the feelings that come with it. it sucks. but i'm ready to move on. i'm ready to see what i have been missing. i'm learning that when i do panic i am ok and i will be ok. ironically i have had more anxiety and panic lately. God showing me what i need to do? i think so. how else will i learn if i'm not in a panic situation. i've had a lot of anxiety at work lately, a lot!!!! something happened that have stressed me out very badly. in fact my anxiety was so bad one morning i about left. but i stayed. i took a pill and reminded  myself that God is with me. i've been praying that God would take the stress and thoughts away about work and he has. i haven't thought about work and what has been going on for 3 days. my mind is clear and i know all is ok with me and my position.

i hope to be writing more now that great things are starting to happen. i hope you check back and read. please feel free to leave some comments and if you have any questions about anxiety, panic, agoraphobia and depression. God is going to do great things with me!

some new starts!

i'm back! it's been a few months since i've been on here. time to dust off the cobwebs and write again.

today, well more like tomorrow because i need to go shopping for food, i am starting to watch my food intake. i'm tired of being tired all the time. i'm tired of not finding cute clothes in my size. just tired of being over weight. i'm not planning on losing a ton of weight, don't want that pressure right now, just setting a goal of 75 to beat what i lost before. if i lose more than that then sweet! when i get to my goal weight i may decide to go on but right now my main focus is 75.

i started doing meditation. i'm reading about mindfulness. i believe that these will be what gets me over this anxiety issue that is haunting me. now that i am reading about it, it makes so much since. i worry more than i should. i'm better than i used to be on that, which is surprising having liam. i have too many negative thoughts that go through my head. a lot i need to change. i used to look up quotes on over coming fears and anxiety but realized that i need to stop looking up things like that but sayings and quotes that start with happy words: joy, happiness, love, etc. i need to put in my positive and override the negative. it's a slow process but it will work. i had a very bad panic attack at work the other day. i believe a lot had to do with it but mostly because working on attacking the anxiety and learning how to stop it brings out  more anxiety. it's like when you start to take medicine for something and you feel worse at first because the meds i starting to take effect and break things up, that's how it is for the anxiety. i know i will get over this and learn how to control and let go. i need to be in the "now" and not think about the past or the future. i can't control anything in the future but in the now i can. i can control my thoughts and my surroundings.

i'm doing all of this for me and especially these two:

it's going to be great here in a few months in a lot of ways!!!!

desperate

i saw this book on instagram. a few where saying how good it is. sometimes i feel so desperate. i feel as if i don't know what i am doing, if it is good enough and so many other thoughts. i knew i needed to order this. i'm on chapter 4 and i have learned so much already. at the end of each chapter is a QR code you scan from your smartphone. it is a video that has a quick review of that chapter. what a great idea! you actually get to see and hear the author's, it makes things so much more real!

"my home, then, became my kingdom over which i longed to rule well as i was crafting lives, my own children, for His glory. this kingdom of home is the place of refuge, comfort and inspiration. it is a rich wold where great souls can be formed and from which men and women of great conviction and dedication can emerge."

for many years i have wanted out of this house. it is what i bought with my ex. too many memories. too many emotions. lately i have been wanting to paint and redo pretty much every room. i've lived in this house for 16+ years. i just want out and a fresh start. then i got to thinking. this house isn't about the past. this house isn't about who bought it. it isn't about what happened, the feelings or the emotions. this house is now where my family of 3 live. where my husband and my son and i live. where we play, laugh, fight and love. the above quote makes me want to do so much with this home. this is what liam will know. what he will remember when he has his own family. i want to teach him so much here. he to teach us as well. this house represents my life. it represents all that i am about, the good and the bad. it is up to me to make sure liam can find comfort, refuge and inspiration here. he doesn't know who orginally had it. none of that matters to him. what matters is that he lives here and he is loved here. that he learns here and grows here.

"a happy mom who is secure in herself and at ease in her life is a rare gift that children love and appreciate."

i'm not secure in myself in a lot of areas, especially the anxiety one. it's very important to me to get over my anxiety issues for many reasons. one is that i don't want him to think that fear is ok. the fears i have that is. if he gets scared and wants to run, i want to be able to show him that he can stay and it will be ok. i'm a trying to find a good therapists that is very knowledgeable in cognitive behavioral theraphy. this is the only way i can get over this is to face it and do it and the only way i can is through CBT. i hope i find someone soon!

this book has opened up so much for me in just a few chapters. i want to get more books by Sally Clarkson and learn even more about how God can help me be a better mother. it's my goal and passion to be the best mom. there is so much more i need to learn and do. i hope with Gods help i can be what i want to be and more.

yeah....it's been a while!

i got bored with my blog and even worse with it when i couldn't upload more then one or two images. been wanting to write more and share things so i guess i will fire this up again and see what happens.

liam is almost over his cold. he has a runny nose but that is about it. well, and a cough that comes when too much gunk goes down his throat. poor kid seems to have had it bad this year. though the cold was harder on him than influenza a. weird, huh? i feel like i'm not doing enough or something when they get sick a lot. then i am reminded that he is in daycare and oh do they pass stuff around! one of the others has what he has. they share more than just toys lol.

it's almost 1am. i can't sleep. i drank coffee at 5:30pm and now i regret it. was trying to make myself feel better. i was stressed all week because of him being sick. worrying. calling the sitter 3 times a day to check on him. i probably worry too much but when he isn't feeling well and i am not around him i worry. then added stress of an idiot i work with. why they don't take him off as cake decorator i'll never know. i won't even get into that. not worth the added headache. he already gave me one i don't need another.

i need to find a way to let out my stress. i haven't scrapbooked in a few weeks. i want some new things but feel guilty buying anything. just been in one of the funks. i hate it when it happens. it's like i'm depressed and yet i'm still in motion because i have to be. i make it all happen some how. also, i think a lot of it is the cold. spring is almost here. we've been cooped up for a few months and we need out! i'd love to go for walks when it starts to warm up. every year by this time i've had it with things and need a refresher. i think that is why i love spring so much. a new bloom to life. a  new start. a fresh look on things. after the cold, harshness of winter, i can finally shed and be free. these 4 walls can drive you nuts, espcially with a toddler that is not wanting to listen and wants it his way. it's taking a toll on all of us. we are all at the point of breaking and need out. the weather is suppose to be in the 60's this week. hopefully we can play outside after work and get some of this blah out of us.

i haven't taken many pictures the last few weeks and that will show in my project life album. last week was the worse. i'll try to figure out what to put in it. i have a couple but that is about it. :( here is one picture from this week. we took liam to his dr to make sure all was ok since he was still running a fever and coughing. they got some new cars to play in and he really like them!

 

can you believe this was taken almost 3 years ago?

 

that's my little man! :)

i did it!

i started paper scrapping again! i am so excited. i'm so glad i took the plunge and decided that i need more paper in my life! lol. i joined studio calico and got their november monthly kit. i like what i got but for the price.....i think i will just shop and get things online. i got a bunch of stuff from 2peas at their black friday sale. 40% off, baby! got a ton more than i did with studio calico. so i don't think i will be getting any more from them. great kits but i'll get what i like and at good prices.

i told myself this time i will: 1. use what i have. i will not hoard things. i will not "wait to see if there is a better picture for this..." 2. before i buy more stuff i will see what i have and what will go with it. 3. i will not buy a bunch of stuff just because it is popular. i got in trouble the last time. never used things and sold them cheap. 4. i will watch for bargains. i want to try to stick to getting things on sale. i know there will be a time or two where i can't and will have to pay full price but i will try to watch sales and stick to budgets. 5. i will NOT compare my work with others. i will enjoy the process. i love watching liam look through layouts of the past and see people that he knows like us, the grandparents, etc. it will be really awesome when he is 10 and see's what we did this year. i want him to remember as much as possible.

i'm doing a december daily this year. i'm using an amy tangerine day book that i got at the 2peas sale. it has pages in side of different styles and sizes. love it! my book won't have a december/christmas feel to it and that is ok. the day that is christmas will have enough. december isn't all about christmas, it is about his birthday as well. and not all we do is christmas related so therefore...no christmas kind of album. here it is:

i'll show the pages as i go. i will start posting more and sharing more things.

i was going to show my first layout in 2 years but for some reason blogger says i am over my limit of file size. ok...new stuff to me! ugh.

ok...off to play!

finally....

yeah i know, i haven't been on here much...well no at all. we got rid of cox so that meant no internet. i hate cox and really hate paying as much as we do for the service we get. we've had nothing but problems since day one. i finally just had it with them. i thought i could use my phone as a modem and i did but 1...that uses up all of your data for each month. 2...it is slllowwww. so, we got a letter from a t & t talking about their dsl service. we called up and signed up. it isn't lightening speed like cox but it is fast and that is all good for me. happy once again to be on my laptop and surfing away!!!

i haven't loaded any pictures since october 28th to the computer. i'm just at a blah spot with scrapbooking, or maybe it was no internet and i just didn't care about doing anything. withdrawl symptoms anyone??? so tonight or tomorrow i hope to upload more photos and get project life caught up. i need a new album to finish out the year. hope to order one this week. though i wonder if i could get just 2 more months in there???? maybe i should try. think i might.

i really want to get back to paper scrapping. i joined studio calico's monthly paper and card kit. yes, two monthly kits. things are looking up and so much better for us financially so i am taking that plunge. you can cancel at anytime so why not? maybe this will jump start me into getting creative again?! i did decide to make a december daily album as well. since liam is old enough now to kinda see what christmas is all about, i want to start documenting more. and since i really love the holidays, i want to remember them the most. so hopefully all of this will get me back into using and adhesive and not so much of the computer. though i sooo love digial layouts, i really need to feel what i am working with sometimes!

ok...now to get off of here and upload some photos and work on project life! tomorrow i will share some recent pictures.

pinterest monday

i'm trying to figure out if i want to write more about my agorphobia or not. the past is the past and i done with it. now i need to live for today and the future. sharing my story is ok but talking about some of it is draining. i really think there is a reason why i have it, not sure what it is yet but i know there will be a break through...there has to be!

so back to pinterest monday. i stopped doing it because there was all of this talk of people stealing ideas and such. but i want to bring it back. share with you all neat stuff i saw on there! click on the image for the link to the person's site.

i love these pillows! i think they would be super easy to make!

how fun is this tree??? what a great idea for new years eve. you put money in the balloons and have the kids pop them to get the money. just may have to do this!

i love this idea! i found a clock at a rummage sale this past summer. maybe i need to use it and do something like this????

love this quilt. i would love to make it. wonder how easy/hard it would be??

i like this one too!

oh how i would love to make cakes like this one day! the district man for walmart came in for a quartly visit. he comment on how the cake case looked the best he's ever seen. he told me how i had the best job in this store. how i get to make kids happy by decorating their cake. so very true! i love my job. i love watching people's eyes when i hand them their cake. though there are cakes that i do and i am like "uhhhh no one will want this one," it always surprises me when they take it out of the case and want it. it's pretty cool!

Trust

Day 5 of "write your own story. Missed day 4, just didn't have the words.

Trust. One thing that is hard for me to do any more is trust. I cant trust people to tell my story. I can't trust that they won't turn around and run. That they won't talk about me and make fun of because they don't understand what is going on.

I gave my life to someone. I put all my trust in him. I trusted him to take care of me. To listen. To understand. To defend me. That trust broke when he started to yell at me during panic attacks. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't try to make it better. I told friends about the anxiety,  they stopped speaking to me. So if i open up to you it means i trust you. To me that is a huge step because i wasnt able to trust for many years.

One thing about anxiety is it robs you of your boldness. You aren't strong. You can't defend. Then the trust is lost on so many levels. I stopped trusting that he'd be there for me. He didn't defend me to his family. Would he just up and leave? I stopped trusting him when i was anxious and that made the anxiety worse. I felt there was no one around that i could be with that would help me. And soon i couldnt trust myself. I couldn't trust myself to be there for me when i needed myself. I relied too much on others and when i couldn't rely on them the trust stopped.

I keep to myself these days. I rarely open up. I am better at it. Over time i was able to see those whom i could trust and would be there for me and those that wouldnt be. I've learned a lot in the 4 years and I'm still learning. I still have trust issues but they aren't as bad. I'm working on it. But once i trust you, please don't do something to make me lose it because once i stop trusting i will never trust again.

What is a panic attack?

Day 3 of "31 days to tell my story"

What is a panic attack? Hmmmm let's see. Your heart starts slowly go faster and faster. It beats so hard you think it will jump out of your throat. You start getting hot. For me it starts in my gut. My stomach starts to heat up and then my head. I get weak in the knees. I have a bewilderment feeling. I can see but no idea where i am. I'm scared that i will lose my mind. My throat feels dry. I need water. I shake. Jittery. I want to run but to where? I see people but even if i know them i don't know they are there.

Sometimes these lasts for a few seconds. Mainly about 30 seconds.or so. Thankfully i havent had a full blown attack in years. They are the scariest things I've ever went threw.

When you have an attack at a certain place a couple of times, your subconscious mind thinks that place is what made you panic. It starts to associate panic with example, walmart. You walk in and you can't go any further than the registers. it happened before. Surely, this place is what causes it. Walmart, cars, highways, restaurant, anywhere where you panicked, it will now be a place that you avoid so you won't panic. Then all the sudden you go to your mailbox and it happens. Omg.....now it is following me home? And now you don't feel safe anywhere. The fear of that panic attack that scares you so bad, stops your life. Stops you in your tracks and says "you're weak. You can't do this. Are you kidding me? Go to a store where there is no safe person? Ha!" The lies start. Your mind lies to you and you believe it all because what sane person would be going through all of this? What sane person would avoid the highways? Lies but to you it is the truth.

1out of 4 people have some sort of anxiety. Why dont we hear more about it? Because it is not normal to not drive out of town. To not take an elevator. To not not be able to go to the store by yourself. People will talk. People will make fun of you. They don't understand. They haven't been through it so why should they understand. People commit suicide because they feel they cant tell anyone what is going on. They have to be strong they are the father. If i tell them i can't ...... they will laugh. So we hide it inside. We hold on to the lies and the horror. Over and over it goes through our head how stupid we are. How weak. How ashamed. How no one will ever like us. The lies take over and before you know it your mind is consumed with worry, dread, fear, guilt....the list goes on.

It's not something to get rid of over night. It takes time. Love. Honest. Practice. Compassion. Understanding. Knowledge. Faith. I still believe some of the lies. The lies are the hardest to stop.

what is agoraphobia

day two of the "31 days to tell my story."

what is agoraphobia?

noun Psychiatry .

an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

 

it used to be "fear of the market place." now they added the above and good. that explains more than "fear of the market place." a very vague description.

 

i'm not sure how mine got started. i could still go places after my first major panic attack in high school. nothing stopped me. they would come but they left and i didn't really think much of them other than "what the heck was that?" but then i got married. and what i didn't realize then was that i married too young and to the wrong person. life with down hill instead of up. i was able to go to where his family was two times before we got married. then the day we said "i do" it stopped. i really don't know why or how. about 4 to 5 months into our marriage i was really feeling the anxiety and panic. i didn't know what was going on. he told me that if it didn't stop that he would want a divorce. so then the pressure started. i didn't want him to leave. i mean after all i married him because i thought i wouldn't find anyone else. i didn't have a boyfriend in high school, expect one....so surely if he left i would be alone for the rest of my life.

 

so i tried. and we moved to joplin due to his job. i drove back to pittsburg every day to make sure i could get back to pittsburg. i don't think there was a day that went by that i didn't go. he worked crazy long hours so there was nothing to do anyways.

 

i was able to work in joplin. drive on my own. then after a year we moved back to pittsburg. then it went even further down hill. i would get on the highway and try. i still had attacks but they were only while driving or in the car. well, some at various places but i remember in the car the most and at night. over the years i tried more and more to please him and his family. his mom said i would never be a part of the family till i made it to springfield. his sister-in-law told me to get over a miscarriage because her daughter was pregnant and we needed to support her. i could never stand up for myself nor would he stand up for me.

 

everytime i panicked in the car he would yell at me. he would say things and i felt like crap. felt like a total failure. i never felt safe with him. i never felt like if we went anywhere he would be there for me no matter what. why i stayed with him longer than i should have was due to panic attacks. i felt lonely in my own home.

 

then i just gave up. i gave up because no matter how i tried it was never good enough. i just gave up. i'd get on the highway and go but that yelling would start again and the disappointment. i was stuck in so many ways. i was so unhappy. but who would i tell because they thought he was god.

 

agoraphobia just happened. it snuck up on me and bit me in the butt so hard. it sucked me in and drowned me in fear, shame, disappointment and dread. the fear of a panic attack stopped me from going on. the fear that what if i got too far from..... the what if i panicked and no one was there? he was always with me but i never felt save. many times i would want to pull over and let the panic subside but he wouldn't. he would make me go. you can't make someone go. it makes things worse. if i would have pulled over and took some deep breaths and relaxed i would have felt a lot better. but instead i was scared. i got scared if i knew i had to go somewhere. what if he yelled? what if i disappointed him again?

 

do i blame him for all of this? somewhat. it started before we were married but it got must worse afterwards. had he actually took the time to try to help things would have been a lot better. i hate thinking back to those days. i really do hate the guy. i hate how i could never express anything to help in fear of getting yelled at. i took everything in and held it there. how my brain processed it and let it go was up to my brain because i physically couldn't take it at times. one time i stood up to his mom and he yelled at me because i made her cry. my god...the times people in his family made me cry but that didn't matter.

 

what does all of this have to do with agoraphobia? the panic attacks start. when you don't take control of them the fear sets in and bam...you are stuck in that hole. i look back and wish things happened differently but i wouldn't be where i am today and not have what i have today. though those years took a tole on me and i know am agoraphobic, i don't think i would change a thing. i would have never met eric and we wouldn't have liam. i can work on my anxiety, i can beat it. but i would not want to live the rest of my life with that man.

tell my story?!

i subscribe to this lady's blog. when i saw this challenge i had to to it. what was i going to write about? what did i want to tell about me? well my life story is agoraphobia so that was it. i want to help educate and help people that know me to understand more of what i go through. it isn't all about just not traveling, it's more than that. it's what's below all of it that makes it what it has become.

i've been hearing more and more lately about panic attacks, anxiety disorder, depression and agoraphobia. one of my main inspirations is "the bloggess." she sent a link today of the lady that has the blog and book "cake wrecks". she tells her story about anxiety and panic attacks here. that story was very right on with what she said. hopefully some that know me will read it and understand a bit more.

how does agoraphobia start? well it doesn't just start over night. i started having panic attacks in high school. my first one was on a boat on the Potomac river in washington dc. our band was on a 4 day trip in dc. actually, i remember having them on buses out of town to football games and one on the way to the airport to dc. but they went away. it felt like indigestion. i would unhook my bra hoping that would relieve some pressure that was in my chest. i remember one time in high school where our spanish class was going to kansas city to a mexican restaurant and a mall. i got on the bus and got off at the end of the schools drive way saying i was sick. i was totally ashamed and humiliated as my friend begged me to stay. i had no idea why i wanted off but i did. i don't remember panicking but i do remember that i know i was going no matter what.

so this panic attack on the potomac was my first full blown, knock you on your butt attack. we were on the upper deck of this boat and it came. all i remember is walking down stairs to the back of the boat. the boat had one of this big wheels in the back. i remember looking at it and wanting to jump. how was i going to make it 3 more days. i could go back home but i would have to fly back by myself. then suddenly it was gone. i don't remember must after that. i had a good time there. only time i felt anxious was a night.

then a few years later i met my ex-husband and that is when it got worse. that is when my world stopped expanding and settled into one area. there is so much to say and so much to explain, it will take me 31 days to explain and tell it.

in the following days i hope you all keep an open mind and realize that this is a real disorder. this isn't something people make up. this is who i am and will be for the rest of my life. anxiety will always be a part of me, i just need to learn to live with it and go on and not let it keep me from doing what i love. one day my saying will be "i have anxiety but it doesn't have me." it is real just like cancer, diabetes, any illness. i hope someone can benefit from my blog this month. and i hope everyone learns a bit more about me and that i am just another person on this planet, i just have something that keeps me back.

catching up

haven't been doing much of anything lately. behind on project life by 2-3 weeks. thankfully that is easy to catch up on and i hope to do that today or tomorrow. felt some what creative but not much. i do so much of it at work that when i get home i'm not in the mood to make cards or scrap. but i did make a couple of cards with some new stamps i got. my mother-in-law got me this new little bicycle stamp, love it!!!

 

 

here are a few cakes that i have made at work.

  i'm getting better at base icing. i hate when there is no border to cover up the sides! :)

i love this little bundt cakes. so many cute decorations for them. though they don't sell well and i can't figure out why. they are really neat and cheap!

i have a lot to say but my fingers are working fast enough nor is my brain. i started a blog on agoraphobia. it's blank so far as i just started it yesterday. i hope to write all i can about my experience and maybe it will be theraputic???? not sure yet if i will share it with others as it is a touchy, shameful subject. i really do want to write a book but man...i don't have time to write a book. unless they paid me in advance so i could take off work.....

we got new next door neighbors and they have a son that is 4 months younger than liam. we went over and played with thim friday night. they had a blast. mom's name is amber. she says that draven hasn't had anyone to play with as far as neighbors, liam hasn't either at least one that is the same age. they both love trucks and balls. they bought the house so now i really want to stay here and not move. which means that i really want to repaint and redo the house. amber and i seem to have some things in common. just want we all needed! makes me happy!

feeling blessed

today is the first sunday in weeks that i have felt good. i was able to get up and make a big breakfast. that is one thing i love to do on sunday's, make a big breakfast or pancakes. dude loves pancakes. there for a while it was pancakes every weekend. i think we all got burnt out. dude loves biscuits so biscuits are always a must.

i think i found out why i am getting over this sinus stuff as fast as i usually do. at work i use an air brush to color cakes. there is color in the air. you wipe down the counter and it is usually blue or a brown, sometimes green. i breathe that stuff in. i think it is hindering my recovery. that stuff sticks to my chest and won't let the mucus go. so i started to wear a mask. i do feel a difference. when i blow my nose or if i have mucus come up it is that color that is on the counter that i wipe down. that can't be good for you? lol so a mask it is. even if i feel like a total dork and think that people are wondering if i have some disease...i always worry about the stupidest stuff. i finally told myself  "who cares. it is for my health."

last weekend we took liam to ride some horses during our town's annual, "Little Balkans Day." It happens every Labor Day. I thought he would freak out and want eric to walk next to him. Ohhhh, no. he loved it. he didn't want off. i loved watching his face light up. it's what i live for! thankfully the rain stopped for a few so he could ride.

now to find someone that has a horse so he can spend more than 3 minutes on a horse.....