Sunday, July 17, 2011

not perfect

i'm really bad at expressing my feelings when i am upset or really mad. i've never been good at it. i learned a powerful lesson this weekend. not only do i need to watch what i say but i also need to explain things a lot more clearer. what i say doesn't come out right when i am mad. i'm frustrated. i'm upset. and when no one understands what i am trying to say, it gets worse. i get worse.

trying to explain that you don't feel welcome or invited somewhere when the person that lives there didn't invite you themselves, is hard to explain. i know her but not on the level of  "oh sure i will stop by and come on in." i'm not one that just goes to someone's house unexpected and especially uninvited by that person. i don't feel right in doing it. i don't feel that someone who says "oh sure come on over" when they don't live there is an invitation to go, especially if you aren't friends with the person that owns the house.

so what happened this weekend was all my fault. i should have taken it as an open invitation by someone that i really don't know personally, that didn't invite me herself and went anyways. i should have figured out where she lived because no one told me that either. so it is my fault that i don't know where she lives. am i suppose to go to house that 1. i wasn't invited to and 2. i don't even know where it is and no one tells me?????

but no one sees this. they say i am invited yet they don't tell me where the house is. if i am invited tell me where it is. i am not going to beg and ask where it is. how is it an invitation if no one tells me where it is at?

so yes, i got angry because no one texts me by 7pm saturday to ask if i am coming. again, i have no idea where i am suppose to be. i said stuff on twitter that i shouldn't have said. i claim that. but i am not going to be ashamed of the fact that i am hurt. that if i was "invited" then i should have had more details, like a location. i have an 18 months old. i need plans. i used to be able to drop stuff and just go. not any more. i need details. yet, no one gets how i feel.

i talked to eric last night after i got off of twitter. as we were talking i realized something. the old me would be quiet and not say anything if i was upset or not. i would let people walk all over me. i would let them say what ever. but not any more. i was hurt. i said what was on my mind. if it hurt them, i am sorry. but i am tired of not speaking my mind in fear of hurting others while i sit being hurt myself. now here is where the "need to watch what i say better comes in."

i am not perfect. i am working all the time on how to be better at all i do. i have a lot on my plate. being a mother. wife. working. house work. i stress easily than i used to. i never really knew how to express my feelings, only in hateful words. not good. but i am human. i have feelings. i know they do too but all i want is someone to see my side of it.

how can i be welcomed and invited to a place when that person did not invite me? especially if i do not really know that person? i don't know where they live. no one tells me. how am i suppose to feel? if someone can tell me how i am suppose to be ok with it, please do so. till then, try to see my side of it. that is all i ask. you can unfriend me and block me but try to see my side, please.