new photos

we went driving around taking photos today. thought we better get out before it cools off tomorrow and is rainy. i love photography. wish i could do it rather than working retail.

ok, why is blogger being a pain and not letting me post these they way i want????

plans for today were to do some stuff around the house but since it is suppose to rain tomorrow i thought getting out for a bit would be good. we have to tackle my scrapbook room and get liam's room ready. i really want it ready by my shower. feeling overwhelmed by all the stuff i have and where to put it all. and of course the lack of energy to want to do it.

don't know how we are going to handle dottie when liam gets here. she gets jealous when noah comes on tuesdays. she wants me to hold her but i can't. she's a dog in case you were wondering. so we put her int he bedroom but she barks and barks. think i better read up on this before liam gets here. when we got her the owner said they had to get rid of her because she barked a lot and kept the baby awake. *sigh* i hope we can teach her to be quiet.

the h1n1 vaccine

i've been reading a lot about the vaccine and rather to get it or not. my opinion on it and i am not a dr, is that there hasn't been enough research on it to see if it is totally safe for pregnant women. there is no way i want to put something in my body that isn't known to be safe yet. i am really tired of all the hype about it. hearing how if you don't get a vaccine you will die. come on. i know it is serious but isn't any kind of flu? by the time it gets around this area, and given to health care professionals first the paper says, there won't be any left. i will probably have liam be the time i could get one. i don't even want to get the regular flue shot. i think i have probably had the flu like once in my life. so why would i want to put something in my body that isn't known to be safe in pregnant woman for a tiny chance that i would get it? i will wash my hands religiously and carry hand sanitizer with me. i will wash my hands before i eat or put my hands anywhere near my mouth...yes, what a concept. if everyone would do this just thing of what the rate of this disease would be??? that is my choice. i haven't even talked to my dr about this because i don't want to get it. never wanted to get the flu shot either.

i really think the media plays a lot into this. i haven't read a lot about it but what i do see i get sick of seeing and hearing. about a month ago i waited on a customer that had influenza a, well their daughter did. she told me she had it once she saw her daughter chewing on the cap of the handsanitzer lid, ironic. i didn't have time to wash my hands but i did put sanitzer on immediately after they left. i'm still not sick. i think it is all in taking care of yourself by washing and sanitizing.

yes, it doesn't scare me some if i was to get sick but sick with anything basically. i don't want to have to be sick with even a cold and not be able to take anything. i can take somethings but i am a whiner and will want more drugs to feel good. and i am paranoid about getting sick, cold basically but i will not put something in my body that isn't 100% safe. i don't want to regret 3 years from now taking it and having something wrong with my child.

and yet another digital layout

another layout of the little man. can't wait for him to be here and take thousands of pictures :)

woke up and he wasn't moving, or at least i couldn't feel it. once i ate he got active. stop scaring your mother! :)

it's finally fall

well it has been for a week or so but the weather is finally changing, thank god. this pregnant woman couldn't stand the heat for much longer. thankfully it wasn't that hot this year as it could have been. a few days of 100 degrees plus but not much more. i'm ready for the leaves to change so we can go out and take pictures. i'd really like to have someone take our pictures in the next couple of weeks but not sure who. i may just break out my tripod and do it myself. need to get some good belly photos as well.

i was startin to freak out a bit today. liam wasn't moving that much and it had me a bit worried. i should be used to this by now. he doesn't move that much some days. probably gets worn out in those tight quarters lol. stop freaking mama out, she is worried enough about stuff as it is. :) a gal at work asked me last night if i was ready for it to be over. i'm really not that uncomfortable, yet. i do cherish the movements and the time i am having right now. sometimes i do complain because i am tired, but there are only a few months left of something so magical. i know i will be ready as it because more close. but time is flying enough that i am sure it will be very soon before it is over. i have a feeling he will be early. i will be really surprised if he is here on or after my due date.

very thankful that my 3 hour glucose test came back fine and that i don't have gestational diabeties. that was one thing that worried me when the first test came back high. not sure really what high is since i've heard some doctors go by 130, my dr 140. i was at 142. but i don't have it so all is great!

now to relax at hastings a bit more before work tonight.
peace.

3 hour glocuse test today

hopefully i will get the results tomorrow. i hope i don't have gestiational diabeties but if i do it won't be for long and i can manage it. i am glad i lost the weight i did before i got pregnant. i think it made things a lot easier with this pregnancy. i wish i was thinner though so i can feel more and see more but i is what i is!

2 months plus to go till the little one is here. totally excited and totally scared to death! :)

some digital layouts

worked on these at hastings while drinking a yummy chai tea and hearing scrubs in the background. tired from yesterday. didn't realize going to the game would wear me out. sometimes i can't get used to pregnancy lol. i think "oh i can do this with no problem and not be tired." not any more. and i am sure him going nuts at the game made me somewhat tired too. not the super woman i thought i once was. and i am sure i will be getting more tired as the months go by. sleep....oh how i miss the!

stressed

been having this discharge and not sure what to think of it. books say it is normal. called the ob since it was after midnight and they say that it is normal. as long as i am not cramping, water hasn't broken, contractions, etc., then i am ok. i will call the dr on monday and make sure all is well. i did have spotting from day one, every couple of weeks, so this pinkish discharge makes me think it could be that still happening. there is a lot that happens that the drs don't know why, very annoying at times. just don't want anything to happen to this baby since i have waited so long. my body says all is well. as far as i know i haven't had any contractions. crampy, pressure feeling when i bend over or if have been working. peace of mind...that's all i long for at times.

here's a pic of eric and i at the game yesterday. we had fun even though pitt state lost. we won't even go there.

little man kicked so much during the game. he started it when the band started playing before the game. he seemed to have a great time. just wait buddy, lots of football games in your future! :) i realized at the game today that having a boy will be so much fun. i love football and nascar. if it was a girl would she? i can definately relate to boys more. it will be fun watching games and races with him. gonna be a blast!

definately showing!

yesterday we could wear jeans to work if we donated $1 to children's miracle network. i bought a pair of maternity jeans a few weeks ago and was excited to wear them. holy moly, my stomach is way out there. 6 months pregnant? more like 9 lol

that was taken in the bathroom at work with a goofy, cheesey grin.

i saw him kick on tuesday sept 15th. first time i seen it. i thought i wouldn't be able to see him kick due to being fat lol. i was so happy to see that. i can't wait till i am further along and i see a lot more. eric looked down and then he stopped. he did that he other night when i first felt him kick on top of my stomach. i had eric come in and then he stopped. didn't do it again till he had left for a while. i can't wait till eric and see him and fell him too. he will love it.

next week i have the glucose test. i'm not afraid of passing it, pretty sure i will do fine. i always look forward to going to the dr to hear the heartbeat. after that appointment i will go in 3 weeks and then start the every 2 weeks and then the once a week. we are starting birthing classes next month. this has went by so fast. i can't believe it. it seems like just yesterday i found out i was pregnant and saw the little bitty heart flashing on the screen. before i know it he will be here and all will be complete in my life. i wanted a baby before 40 and i will finally get my wish. thank you god! god does listen. he has blessed me so much in the last year and especially now. i know all will be great and go smooth because he truly is a child sent from god.

i didn't think i would ever get pregnant or well keep a pregnancy. i was beginning to think i was too old and my eggs were fried. but there was one in there that was a keeper. i am wanting to get closer to god and become a better person for liam. i want to get rid of the ways i think, the negative, and teach him to be brave, bold and strong. with god's help i know i can do this. my fear decreases each day...labor fears, not so much lol

invitation ideas

1. Pacifier Baby Shower Invitation, 2. Custom Letterpress Baby Shower Invitations, 3. #C72,custom,personalized,wedding,bridal,baby,shower,anniversary,birthday,invitations,invite,unique,pink,blue,royal,green,brown,chocolate,floral,flower,white,scroll,damask,elegant,baby feet,feet,polka,dot, polka dot,circles,jack and Jill shower,coed shower, 4. baby shower invitation, 5. baby shower invitation, 6. Ovals Baby Shower Invitation, 7. Modern Baby Shower Invitation, 8. baby shower invite, 9. 331_giraffe_blue

a little creating

finally i have produced more than a baby lately. i did 3 cards and a digital layout. after i post this i will be off to the scrapbook room to do more cards or layouts. maybe both.

here are the cards. a new stamp set by stampin up. no...i don't remember the names of the sets but they are in the new catty if that helps lol.

have today off so i am chilling and relaxing at the computer. eric is playing the new batman game. dogs are asleep. crazy days off this week. hope i get some rest at some point. can't wait till the schedule is back to normal. liam thinks there is a trampoline in my stomach. don't know what he was bouncing off of but it felt like he was bouncing back and forth from something. wasn't my bladder or i would have peed lol.
peace!

time is flying by

wow, it is almost the middle of september and what have we done to get the house ready? not one thing. i am getting some energy back but who knows how long it will stay. i want all the carpets up in the house. i don't care what the floors look like i want them up. after years of having pets the carpets need to go. hopefully by the time he starts crawling, which is a ways away since he isn't here till december, we will have wood floors down.

my parents got us the precious planet playard at walmart. the theme is precious planet for the little guys room. i haven't seen this play yard anywhere:

a gal at work told me there where in the back and i freaked. we only got 2 in. there are NO WHERE online. so after calling mom and explaining how liam needs this really bad, LOL, we went and got it yesterday. i soooo can't wait to set it up. i can't wait to decorate his room either!

last night he kicked and i felt it on the outside of my stomach! first time, well he did it a couple of weeks ago higher up on my stomach but last night i felt him move and put my hand down there, took awhile but he finally kicked. he stops kicking if you put your hand anywhere on my stomach. tricky little man!

ok...off to get ready for a short night at work. going to get some pancakes before work. i really need to grocery shop.
peace.

Today was awesome

The little man hasn't moved a lot. You basic fluttering. A poke here or there. I don't think he's much of a mover. But today he moved either a leg, arm, or perhap his body, from the lower part of my uterus and up. It was an awesome feeling. He's been moving quite a bit today. He mainly moves after work but today he was moving at work.

This is such a miracle. I am so happy!
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some flickr loving

1. Squirrel Pancake, 2. 246/365, 3. I Am Taaaaall, 4. Boogie Fever, 5. Untitled, 6. Heinz Hall Stairway, 7. YAWN, 8. Travelling without a destination, 9. pink daisy

now off to shampoo carpets. yay!!!

It's a boy!

Yeah, it took me a week to blog that its a boy. I am in shock and so happy. I wanted a girl but a boy is just as fine with me. I've already seen some sweet boy clothes at Babies R Us. Having a boy will be enjoyable. I think I can relate to them more.

When I was growing up I used to play with my neighbors, Dale and Ellen. I had to get a boys bike to ride around and through the ditch. I started playing with cars. My dad and brother used to race motorcycles, so we went to area tracks so they could race. When I was about 13 or so, maybe before, we'd go to MoKan and watch races. I did play with dolls and barbies but the majority of stuff was boy related.

We decided to name him Liam Jackson. I got Liam from Tori Spelling. Loved that name when I first heard it. We thought of other names but I always thought Liam was the best.

I can't wait for December to get here so we can see our little noy. He's already so loved by everyone.
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since i am putting off getting ready cuz i'm lazy...

here's some awesome photos from flickr that i am lovin today!

1. "We can learn a lot from trees: they're always grounded but never stop reaching heavenward" ~Everett Mámor, 2. London Eye at Night, 3. Skydiver, 4. HappyBirthDay (^) <:o), 5. Sad Boxer, 6. ♥, 7. I Love Converse, 8. tears for you, 9. (im)possible - 282/365

happy birthday to my awesome man!

tonight we are going out to eat with our parents. they are finally meeting! :) i've been sick with a bad head cold so we haven't done much of anything the last 3 days. i didn't get his present since we didn't work last night. ran a fever one night and got a bit freaked out. feeling better. basically just congested and a slight headache. i'm really tired of laying around and doing nothing but watching tv. i did watch the season premiere of project runway. so glad it is back. i usually have a favorite on the first show that i want to win but this season will be hard. i have a couple that i like. a lot of talent this season.

just 5 days till we find out what the little one is. can't wait to start calling it by it's name. i think we have decided on the names...think! i think i am more excited about making the cupcakes and telling people are work than anything. fun stuff!

not much new since i've been sick. wish i could get motivated to play with paper and stamps but just can't. i wonder if my desire for scrapbooking and card making is really gone? the new stamps i got in the stamp club are great and i love them, just no desire yet. hope it comes soon!
peace!

just a week to go

then we finally found out what we are having. i am not a patient person. this has been driving me nuts. i want to buy things and do but not a lot. more girl things actually. if it is a girl we are wanting the name payton reese. a boy liam...something. can't figure out a boys middle name yet.

i can't believe that when i found out in april that i wasn't really happy at all. i remember on mother's day we had a store meeting at work. during the meeting the manager said i was going to be a mom. i cringed. i wasn't excited. wasn't happy. i was tired. i wasn't on my meds. i felt like crap. once i started eating right and on my meds i felt a ton better. so, if i get pg again, i will stay on my meds and eat every couple of hours to keep my energy up. i didn't do that today though. only ate twice. not good. explains why i am tired but yet i am not ready for bed.

having a kid is scary. not just the birth process but paying for it afterwards. right now it is hard at times. i can't imagine what it will be like when its here. i want to be a better person so i can teach it the right way instead of a lot of things i am settled into. after 38 years here i have quite a bit experience but wish i did somethings a lot differently. i know that i will not let my kid be afraid of anything! maybe while i am teaching them that i can teach myself also.

so many things to do around the house to get ready for it. no energy on my days off. after working all week i just want to lay at home and veg. when is the nesting suppose to start cause it needs to be soon so i can get some stuff done :)

felt the baby move a lot today. one of thos days where i feel it a lot. tomorrow i am sure i won't feel it as much. that's how it goes right now. i'm just anxiously awaiting december and waiting for the next step of my life to start. here's to new beginnings!
peace!

wish i could sleep the whole night through

but my arms fall asleep all time. since i have to lay on my sides...so miss my stomach...my arms and hands fall asleep in no time. today i am up at 9:30am since i can't sleep. i get so comfortable and then the tingling starts again. so aggrivating!

what's in store for today? chilling around the house. i feel like we don't spend enough time at home. i feel we are always at work and then on our days off we run around town. we are going out to my parents for dinner. mom made this yummy peach cobbler that i have been thinking about since i had some last week. so we got to go out and get some more. yummy stuff!

here's a layout i did last night from speed scrap at Ginger Scraps:

i really like the speed scrapping. you never know what theywill want you to do. think i may try it again tonight if i am up to it!

peace!

speaking of cupcakes....

had to go to flickr to see some cupcakes to maybe get ideas. but nothing but a bit of icing on top of mine and maybe sprinkles...like i have the patiences to decorate cupcakes when i am wanting to tell everyone so bad :)

1. enchanted garden cupcakes, 2. Snowflake Cupcakes, 3. Baby Telia Rae Cupcakes, 4. Cow Cupcakes (almost finished), 5. It's A Girl Cupcakes, 6. coconut jewel cupcakes 1, 7. alice in wonderland cupcakes, 8. White & Gold Wedding Cupcakes, 9. christmas cupcakes

i'm half way there!

it's hard to believe that i am half way through this pregnancy. there are times where i still wonder if this is all real. it took me so long to get here. i am so happy each day i feel the little one more around. i can't wait till the 27th to see what it is. we are going to make cupcakes to take to work to announce what it is. the inside will either be blue or pink. gotta eat a cupcake if you want to know what it is :)

definately need to clean the house tonight. last week i didn't do anything but lay around. i kinda want to play with some stamps tonight. been a while since i made a card. i know once i get up and get motivated i will have energy, right now i just want to lay down and read or watch tv. i value my days off so much now. used to want to go out and do things. now i just want to stay at home and veg.

bought the first package of diapers the other day. need to buy more each payday or put money on a walmart card to buy them when she/he comes. bought four outfits for a buck each. i need to stop buying till we find out what it is. though i can take the stuff back, it's all girls stuff and well, what if is it a boy? lol

off to read and then clean.
peace!

a little photoshop time

spent some time going through the pictures i took last week and photoshopping them. i love photoshop cs! i am totally addicted to actions! can't get enough of them!

same picture different filter.....

we are so excited that my blood work for downs, spina bifida and the other thing that i can't remember lol...came back normal. so relieved and so happy! i'm trying to find some maternity clothes online. no luck. really expensive. i need a good pair to wear to work to support my belly. we bought a monitor to listen to the heart....we'll take it back. one thing, i am too early i think to hear anything from a $20 piece of equipment. another thing...there's a lot of fat for that thing to go through to find the heartbeat. so it will be going back. eric thinks he heard the heartbeat but i never did.

i was a bum all day yesterday. didn't do anything at home. house looks bad, well not too bad...but no energy. maybe today!

peace!

When everyone sleeps

I'm awake thinking and wondering. I put way too much thought into somethings. What if it does have down syndrome? I worry and wonder way before the tests are back. Why worry until something happens? He explained that it may come back abnormal simply due to my age.

I'm a bit scared. I want all to come out well. All I can do is give it to god.
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pictures from yesterday

i love how eric loves photography as much as i do. that he shares the passion along with me when we go out. we go out about twice a month to take pictures. yesterday i took 150. lots of great shots at the park with the ducks. i have only did 2 pictures in photoshop, the rest to come soon. so for right now here are a few of my favorites!

catching up....yet again

poor blog. just doesn't seem to get any action lately. i do have a ton going through my head but not sure what to put first. i do want to start writing more so i can remember this pregnancy. it may be my one and only the way things have been for the last 18 years. at times i am too afraid to write or get excited. i think there still is a tiny part of me that thinks something will happen. with the baby moving now i am reassured a lot but still wonder in the back of my head. i am so happy and excited that i just don't want anything to happen.

it's funny....before i was pregnant i would think that feeling the baby move or even knowing there was something growing in there would freak me out. i was like "i don't want something in my body." but now after feeling the flutters i love it and want more. it was nuts when i got my hair cut. i never felt it move that much, and still haven't, as to when i was sitting in the chair while she cut away.

today's dr appointment was short and sweet. heard the heartbeat...love that! he/she even kicked...awesome sound! they drew blood to test for down syndrome. i am a little nervous about that because of my age and not being able to get pregnant but only times in the last 28 years. not sure if that is a bad sign or what. not sure why i miscarried the last 3 times. 2 times i was barely along. ok....won't talk about those times. i just need to know that god will take care of us and the baby will be fine. no need to worry till something happens. but i know god is taking care of things and the baby will be heathly.

i told the dr about the spotting. he didn't seemed concerned. said as long as there isn't any cramping, never has been. my blood pressures was up but it is always up at the dr. so what i am going to do is take it each day and then print off for him to see that it is normal. that people with white coats and scarey equipment make it go up :).

i can't wait to found out so we can buy stuff and start planning and getting the baby's room ready. i am so blessed with all the support i have out there. my life is 100% complete now and the baby will add to it when it gets here. i don't think i could have done any of this 2 years ago when my life was different. god is wonderful. life is the best it has been in so many years. now to get to the traveling and then all would be friggin awesome!

yay, tony's first win

i almost told eric and tammy that if tony wins i will name my kid after him if it is a son. i was totally kidding and so glad i didn't say that lol. he was suppose to start in first but after he wrecked on saturday during practice he had to start at the back with a new car. didn't stop him. he kicked butt and came in first. what a man i tell ya!

all is well with baby and me. still a but nervous from time to time. the what if's and thinking about labor and what all is coming in the next few months. i know all will go very well but there is alwasy this stuff in the back of my mind that i think about. after hearing the heartbeat the miscarriage rate is like 1 to 3 %. so i need to concentrate on the 97 to 99% not the tiny chance of anything going wrong. i am doing a lot better on that though.

i know this is a keeper because i have had my share of heartache and i know god wants me to be a mom. i am much more healthier mentally and physcially than i was before. i have a lot to do to get ready mentally, like the agoraphobia, but knowing that the baby is on the way is making it a lot easier to do. i do need to work on things and will once i get the energy back. i want to be able to go to joplin to maternity stores and baby stores. there are a lot of things i want to do and will.

relax now?

10weeks 3days today. after a bit of a stressful week, i think i can begin to relax. we heard a heartbeat on thursday. we heard it on wed too. i went in to the dr because i spotted 3 times in a week, wed was the 4th day. the dr wasn't in but told them to listen for a heartbeat. we were suppose to go on thur to the dr, the next day, but i couldn't wait. i was freaking out due to the spotting. happily the nurse found it and all is great. went to my scheduled appointment the next day and he explained that is very common for women to spot or even bleed in their first trimester. he said i could continue to spot for a few more weeks. june 23rd starts my 2nd trimester...can't wait for that day!

still some what nervous. i think it is because we didn't see the baby just heard it. he said that is just as good as seeing it. i can't seem to stop thinking bad things. not all of the time but sometimes. i guess i still have the past in the back of my head. when i think of the past i realize that none of the losses started anything like this. with 2 of my losses i was barely along, i think they were chemical pregnancies. so i know this one is a keeper just wish i could relax and trust. i am getting better at it though. i don't have bad days any more. i get excited thinking of the day she/he arrives and all the people that will be there. i think of what labor will be like. now when it comes to that i pray and think of an easy, epidural for sure, kind of delivery. i think all positive there. so why not now? i think till the spotting is completely gone i will still have it in the back of my mind. i know, it is normal let it go. sometimes easier said than done. when i was spotting once a week it didn't bother me. last week with times, a bit nerve wracking.

i am totally happy and can't wait for all of the fun to start. now that we heard a heartbeat i want to start writing more, doing layouts to remember, buying little things, planning. mom almost has one quilt done, it is soooo awesome! i want to relax and enjoy this special time in my life. i know it will go fast!

i really need to journal

i've been wanting to get a journal to write down stuff each day of my pregnancy. i want to remember as much as possible since it took me so long to get here. i don't know if i want a simple comp book to decorate or a hard bound book. all i know is that i need to write stuff down and remember. i can't believe i am 9 weeks and 2 days. time is actually going faster than i thought it would. i am getting more excited each day. looking at stuff in the baby department at work makes me happy. i can't wait to found out what we are having.

i go back to the dr on the 4th. we are hoping to hear the heart beat that day. i still haven't been sick. the only thing i really have is tireness and sore boobs! i am so glad i was able to stay on the lexapro. my moods are stable now. i'm not having the "i can't do this or don't want to do this" any more. energy is coming back slowly. i walked 2 times last week....this week will be more.

excited about 4th of july. we are trying to get the 3rd and 4th off and have a little mini vacation. i love that time of year. the smell. the fireworks. family. going to the park. ahhh, the good times!

i am trying to get back into scrapbooking and card making. a do a little each week. i bought a couple of magazines today and they did inspire me. need to figure out where this stuff will go since my scraproom of 5 months will now be the baby's room. i knew as soon as i made this my room i would get pregnant lol. but it is totally worth it.

off to watch mall cop.

changes

i haven't posted in a long time. i need to start posting now that things are changing and will change drastically in december. on april 27th i found out i was pregnant. when i took the test at home it was automatically positive. i was excited and happy. we weren't going to tell anyone at work but it kinda just slipped out. i was afraid that this was another loss. after going through 3, i assumed it would be another. the hcg number came back at 1,214! they have never been that high from the start, ever! this was a start to a new life for me soon.

i went off my lexapro because i figured it was for the best. i quit coldturkey thinking i was doing the right thing, boy was i wrong. for a week i was nervous, cried a lot, didn't want to go through any of this if it meant being pregnant would take my meds away that made me able to function. after a long, tiring week i went by the dr to see if i could take the lexapro. he said it was safe. thank god! i slowly started to feel better each day. i had to force myself to eat though. i did have the moments of "i don't want to do this. make it go away." it was all fear and anxiety from not having any meds to calm me down. i would look at each pregnant person and think "i wonder how she is living through all of this?" to me it was a doom, a dread.

slowly each day i felt better. my mind got more clear and i started to get excited. then at work i spotted. i went and got eric and we took off to the er. after 6 hours there all was well. they did an ultrasound and we saw a saw and a good rind. the tech was happy with that. still a week and 2 days before i saw the dr. i was used to seeing the dr asap, waiting over 2 weeks wasn't easy for me!

i joined a message board at babycenter.com. i read other people's stories, good and bad. mainly the bad because i figured that would happen to me again. one thing with me is that i always think the worse. i don't know why because nothing terrible has happened. things that have happened ended good...so why worried so much? i guess that is who i am and what i have always done. a part of the anxiety disorder is suppose.

finally may 14th came and i saw the dr. i was prepared for it to not be viable and to have a d and c the next day. i didn't think luck would be on my side. he explained that if we saw a heartbeat my chances of miscarrying would be 3 to 5 percent. we saw a heartbeat! with tears in my eyes i realized that finally this was true. i was at ease for the first time. though i still had some anxiety, i felt like i was finally going to be a mom.

since i found out i was pregnant it hasn't been an easy adjustment. i think if i stayed on my meds i would have been a lot better. i am feeling a lot better today. each day is a milestone. i haven't had morning sickness. i think there were maybe 3 or 4 times that when i ate i felt sick but barely. i've been tired a lot, headaches and whiney lol. the next appointment is on june 4th. we are hoping to hear a heartbeat on that day.

right now i am excited and so happy. there are times i am thinking "can i really give birth?" but i know i can. i am vowing to myself not to read bad stories and if i do not to obsess about it. there was a lady at babycenter that miscarried at 10weeks. i had to keep telling myself that i don't know anything about her. she isn't me and i am not her. one thing i am learning through all of this is to listen to my body. i was so used to popping a klonopin thinking i was nervous when it is really energy. if i was tired i would pop one thinking it was anxiety but my body is tired and needs rest.

there is still a lot to learn and a huge road ahead. i know i can do this. i've wanted this for so long. i am still thinking i can't be totally happy till the first trimester is over. i want to be happy and let it out but i am still afraid of getting attached and something happening. maybe june 4th's appointment will let go of all of that and let me relax and enjoy the many changes ahead. here's to december 29th or sooner when i see my first baby!

gonna get fit

wii fit that is. we finally took the plunge and bought it last night. i was walking around the store waiting for him to get off when i noticed we had 2 in stock. texted him and he said "let's do it." i am so hoping that this will motivate me to start the weight loss journey again. i gained 15 to 20 of the 74 i lost. i don't want to gain any more. maybe i can do this before work and then go to girlfriends after work. now that it is warm out when i get off, i will go to girlfriends nightly. i hate getting out in the cold.

got my 2peas stamp order yesterday. i was going to go to the crop today but was so tired when i got home last night that i went right to bed and didn't get up till 11am. sorry girls. i missed the last one too. hard to go when i have to be at work at 2 but i could go for a couple of hours and make cards. i will be at the next one!!!

need frames

i need some frames. i have been printing pictures to hang in my scrapbook room but never remember to buy frames. big lots has the best frames. they have a great variety and great prices. i still need to hang up pictures that i wanted to put up in my scrapbook room when i first got it done.

i remember as a kid tearing out pictures in magazines and taping them to my wall. i've always loved photography, colors and designs. i would tear out pictures of a tube of lipstick just because i thought it was neat. a lot of what i hung up was fashion oriented. at one point i wanted to go to school to work for liz claiborne. i loved fashion and somewhat still do. i also wanted to own or run a clothing store. i think that is why i like working in apparel so much is i am surrounded by clothes. i would love to be a department manager one day. that would rock!

speaking of work, time to get ready to go.

yesterday we went out and walked a 2 block radius uptown before going out to my parents for dinner. in that 2 blocks i got a lot of great shots. the flowers are my favorite. i'd love to find a place with a ton of flowers and go crazy with my camera!

still need to get dottie and vinny to the vet. need to cut his hair and they both need baths. drinking a monster to get the energy to do all of that. my 2peas order should be here today so i really should get out of the house before it comes or i won't get out lol.

loving stamp camp

2peas is having a stamp camp. it is awesome. i have gotten reacquainted with my stamps and mediums. i ordered 4 sets, only $12 since they are having an awesome sale. here is the card i made for this week's camp:

i tried to upload some layouts over a week ago but for some reason blogger was turning the photos. no matter how i put them in they were coming up side ways. so here are a few layouts i did.uggg this is still side ways. i don't know what the deal is.

i don't think it likes that one layout lol

today i plan on gettings things caught up around the house. creating a bit. my order from 2peas should be here tomorrow. eric and i are going out to mom and dads for dinner. i called mom and asked her to make some potato soup. i love her potato soup and started craving it at work the other night. going to be yummy, can't wait! got up a bit early. my body wants to get up and play while i want to sleep lol. but all is good! it's going to be a great day!

some new stampin up stamps

I got the "font for you" set this week and love it. these are the cards i made with the stamps:

now off to get ready for work. joy!
peace!

yay, 70 degrees!

it is going to be a great day. got up late. wanted to sleep due to a stressful week at work. pms has a rule it as well, the stress at work that is. lately my hours have been 25 to 28 a week. i have to ask to come in, which usually it is ok, but when i saw yesterday's schedule and 25 hours i freaked out. i talked to management and they will get it fixed. one can not live on 25 hours a week. wish i could get 40 but walmart doesn't hire fulltime any more. some departments like eric's will but very, very few. i would like to get 32 to 35 a week and then i am good to go. they are great to work with and i know it will be resolved on the next schedule or two. if it isn't on this one they will write me in on a day.

we are off to the deli to eat and then drive around, take pictures and shop. we got the rebate card in the mail for when i got the cell phone from alltel so we gots some cash!!! :) tomorrow is payday and we are down to like 2 bucks! bills, gotta love them!

off to get ready. stomach will be growling before long if i don't get some food in it!
peace!

Testing this out!

doin a little digi

i downloaded this from the new freebie at memory makers magazine. it is an awesome kit.

i go in at 5:30 so i am debating about what to do with my time. do i got to hastings and see if the last issue of simple scrapbooks is in (totally sad about that) or finish reading my book? i'm almost done. i want to see if walgreens has some good leave in conditioner for damaged hair. there is a jar at work that is marked down to $3 but i have never heard of the company so i don't know. money is tight this week so i will wait till thursday and get something that i know will work.

it's bright and sunny here. warm! going to mom and dad's for lunch tomorrow. eric's first family get together :) happy times!

peace!

Color Inspiration #49

Loved the colors this time. i cheated and used a piece of Daisy D's paper that matched the colors here. The stamp is from Hero Arts. A fun and simple card. I never used the technique to put ink on a clear stamp holder and use a blender pen to color in the image. Totally fun and I will definately do it again!

warning, lots of whining

yesterday we had a great day. we drove around and took pictures. i decided before we got into it to drive out of town some. went about 3 miles north. i wanted to go further but didn't know where there would be a turn spot in the road, i hate 4 lane highways with grass in the middle. so i turned around where i normally do. next we go west, towards coffeyville. i probably got like maybe 2 miles. turned around. didn't want to over do it and have a panic attack. eric has never seen me in a full panic attack and i really wish i could keep it that way but doubt it. so i turn around and there are no signs of 5 south junction. i freaked a little. on a scale of 1 to 10 maybe a 3. i was like "this is what it is like on the highway. nothing but road and land." while it felt good to realize this, i was also scared to.

on our way to my parents i was talking how this is going to take me forever. it is. it is going to take me months before i can get to coffeyville. months before joplin. don't know how long for girard. it is so frustrating and discouraging. i thought how did i ever let myself get into this mess? why did i let fear ruin my life and what i want to do? i know i must realize the past is in the past and i need to start focusing on today and the future. even though it will take me months to get where i need to, i will get there and this will be in the past for me.

i really don't know what is stopping me. i have searched in my mind and soul for what is the issue for not being able to travel for so many years. but i want to put all of that behind me. i want to go. i want to live my life. it is so hard knowing i have to work on this and go to work. i don't have the time or gas money to really put the effort i need in to this but i have to find away. a goal of mine is to make it to coffeyville for christmas. still a lot of time to work on it. that is a long term goal. short term, get to girard. i want to be able to take a day and just go somewhere different. not look at the same crap i see all the time, this town!

agoraphobia isn't fun. it isn't a joke or a lie. it is real. it cripples people's ability to live the life they want to live. why did this ever happen to me? i get cursed with not being able to have a successful pregnancy and this? 3 miscarriages and can't travel, suck ass big time. i hate it. don't want it any more. why can't someone take this away from me? all i ever wanted in my life was a family, go to family functions and go shopping in different towns. two things i wanted more than anything and is stopped by one word, fear. it really pisses me off that i let myself drowned in this. that i let it control me and take over my life. but in my defense, there wasn't any good treatment when i first realized i had this in 1990. no one knew about it. a dr in joplin gave me pills to help, that was in 1992. but no one has ever showed me or taught me how to get rid of the negative thinking. the thoughts of dread and dying. sometimes i really miss being back in church. the comfort of god and the lord around me. i try to find my own religion. i get annoyed by these so called "christians" that i back off and don't want to be a part of christianity but i do. i know that no one is perfect. i just can't stand the ones that proclaim to be all of that and back stab you, talk about you, curse, etc. they say they are examples...yeah right!

i am the happiest i have been in years. i have the love of my life. i have everything i have been looking for all my life. now to work on the traveling and find my spirituality. two big things that will take work but will be very rewarding in the end!

yay, warm weather

today we are going to get out and take pictures since it is warm. we haven't did that in a month and we are both missing it. not sure where we will go but this time i am driving so it could be anywhere, but close lol. *sigh*. we signed up to go to a roundtable meeting at work. a chance to express your opinions. not sure if it will work or not but worth a shot. i've never been to one so it will be interesting. it's the 20th at a hotel here in town with our marketing director. we'll see how it goes.

getting back into the gilmore girls. used to love to watch it. stopped watching it for really stupid reasons. now i record it everyday :)

let's see what else.....addicted to mafia wars on facebook. its a short game thank god or i will be on there all night. short as in you have to build up your energy once you do it will last somewhat longer lol. fun game though.

off to shower and begin the day!
peace!

signs

i enjoy taking pictures of signs and photoshopping them. here are some cool ones i found at flickr.
1. Save Gas Sign, 2. One sign fits all, 3. Renee's Salon of Beauty Sign, 4. Ignore This Sign, 5. Sign Eating Tree, 6. Confused Sign, 7. Warning Sign with Clouds, 8. Shop Sign, 9. What is this sign trying to say?

can't wait for tomorrow. well actually i can't wait to get off work tonight and come home. i really enjoy my times at home now. it used to be i wanted to work to avoid home. so many great things have changed in my life. what i used to hate i love now. i don't remember the last time i cried because i hated my life. i am so happy that i where i am in life now.

off to dry hair, put on makeup and get ready for my 5.5 hours of work tonight!
peace!

fun, new catalog

got a lion brand yarn catalog in the mail today. so of course i had to go to flickr and check out some crocheted stuff. now i want to make hearts!

1. Super Cute Crochet Kits!!, 2. Multicoloured Crocheted Bag, 3. Pattern for Crocheted Heart (Patroon voor Gehaakt Hart), 4. HK crochet Squares, 5. Crocheted potholders, 6. Crochet - work in progress, 7. Freeform Crocheted Scene, 8. crocheted heart valentines card, 9. Crochet ripple blanket - finished!

nuttin new

the only thing new is my hair. it went back to blonde and so glad i did. the gal that did my hair did a fantastic job on the highlights. it rocks! here is a photo from my phone, not too good but you get the picture.

the jury is still out about straight hair. not too sure if i like it or not.

hoping to hear from that magazine about wanting a couple of cards, shoot one would be good for me. i can't remember the name to save my life. it's one that i have never submitted to before. i tell ya, when you get older the memory IS the first to go. well that or saggy boobs!

peace, ya'll!

i think i know

we over eat for reason. it isn't because we just love food. a lot of people love food but are able to stop when they are fool. they are satisfied. they go on and totally forget about food. not me. food has been my crutch for so many years. when i was sad i ate. when i was lonely i ate. when i was depressed i ate. and on and on and on.....eating is my way to release what is inside of me.

so lately i had been thinking "why i am i still over eating?" aimee and i talked briefly about this at girlfriends. for me i think it is a couple of things. not being able to travel. not being able to say "sure, I will come" when someone says "hey, come and visit me." another thing is having a boyfriend. i am worried about my looks. how i dress. my hair. my makeup. i know eric doesn't care about any of that but i want to look good for him. he has seen my at my heaviest weight and when i lost the 74lbs. i make comments to myself all the time. when getting out of bed i am like "god i bet he thinks my ass is huge."

i am hard on myself. i know this and i want to stop it. i am not and never will be perfect. i will have bad hair days. i will have days when i am bloated and everything looks like a tent. not every day is paradise but it can be if i just let go of all that is in my head and live.

as far as the traveling. i know i will get out and get to places. i need to work on it. it still scares me to think of being hundreds of miles from home. it has been years and thinking of it makes me anxious. i need to get over it. i need to realize that home is where i am. i am not going to be stuck somewhere forever. i wish i could go to wichita and be there for carla as she goes through all of this with heath. be there to hold her hand and listen. i feel like people say "well you can't rely on rhonda, since she can't..... she won't be here."

i need to stop obsessing and just live. i wish it was easier said than done. man do i ever!